(TRIGGER WARNING) 4TH RELAPSE
I decided to do this post because I am having a relapse now and I feel like I want to let it out on my blog because this is what my blog is about. If you are easily triggered by what I am going to post now, please kindly press the "X" button on top and don't leave hate or negative feedback as I don't have the time to deal with all that together with what I am facing right now. Please understand my situation. Thank you.
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So basically I was totally fine until at one point of time something just triggered me that make me totally changed my whole behaviour, tone of speaking and etc. I don't feel like I am myself. I feel like I was being controlled by something that I couldn't describe, maybe like darkness? I was cold towards everyone today at work and I don't have the mood to talk to everyone even my manager. I don't know why. I swear, when I'm typing this, I feel so mad, anger and many more. I feel like I couldn't take it anymore. Deep inside I was hurt and broken but outside, I appeared that I was happy. I don't even know am I blogging about what is happening. My mind is confused right now and yet I can still think what I want to write.
Right now I am listening to Christina Perri's A Thousand Years and seriously right now I am tearing up. I couldn't remember why I was triggered. The first moment when I was out from my house on the way to work, I was okay like I was totally fine, happy and cheerful. The next thing I knew, I was upset, I had thinking of killing myself, self harm, go to shops that sell penknives and cut myself. I know this may sounds stupid but when I self harm, I feel sense of relieve even though it hurts and gives out blood, but I don't care. I don't even care about the scars which is visible in my hands, because in my opinion, those scars represent my battle with the demons in my head.
I got my first relapse in 24th January 2016, 4 days before my birthday. Second relapse was in February or March - I couldn't remember and I admitted twice in IMH and the first time was like 4 days 3 nights and the second admission was like 1 week. The 3rd relapse happen in July - again, I couldn't remember the date but that time I never admitted to IMH because I just don't want to trouble my parents again. And this time round, I am not sure if I can take it. Why am I revealing this to everyone? I'm so seeking attention, right? Sorry everyone. I'm just being emotional.
My hands are shaking, my heart beats faster, my mind is being controlled. How can I avoid this? Somebody give me a solution.
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SK
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So basically I was totally fine until at one point of time something just triggered me that make me totally changed my whole behaviour, tone of speaking and etc. I don't feel like I am myself. I feel like I was being controlled by something that I couldn't describe, maybe like darkness? I was cold towards everyone today at work and I don't have the mood to talk to everyone even my manager. I don't know why. I swear, when I'm typing this, I feel so mad, anger and many more. I feel like I couldn't take it anymore. Deep inside I was hurt and broken but outside, I appeared that I was happy. I don't even know am I blogging about what is happening. My mind is confused right now and yet I can still think what I want to write.
Right now I am listening to Christina Perri's A Thousand Years and seriously right now I am tearing up. I couldn't remember why I was triggered. The first moment when I was out from my house on the way to work, I was okay like I was totally fine, happy and cheerful. The next thing I knew, I was upset, I had thinking of killing myself, self harm, go to shops that sell penknives and cut myself. I know this may sounds stupid but when I self harm, I feel sense of relieve even though it hurts and gives out blood, but I don't care. I don't even care about the scars which is visible in my hands, because in my opinion, those scars represent my battle with the demons in my head.
I got my first relapse in 24th January 2016, 4 days before my birthday. Second relapse was in February or March - I couldn't remember and I admitted twice in IMH and the first time was like 4 days 3 nights and the second admission was like 1 week. The 3rd relapse happen in July - again, I couldn't remember the date but that time I never admitted to IMH because I just don't want to trouble my parents again. And this time round, I am not sure if I can take it. Why am I revealing this to everyone? I'm so seeking attention, right? Sorry everyone. I'm just being emotional.
My hands are shaking, my heart beats faster, my mind is being controlled. How can I avoid this? Somebody give me a solution.
-
SK