Just Stop
Been've wanting to post this for such a long time already but I'm scared it'll affect some of you as some of my post were like triggering but this is the only place I could be openly talked about my true feelings & also what is in my head. For those who have come to this post or maybe newly reader to my blog, let me introduce myself. I'm Joker W & this is my blog where I blog mainly about my mental health, how I cope with it & etc. You may find it boring but some may find it entertaining because probably you studied psychology & you wanted to learn more about mental healths, then this blog is probably be the good choice for you.
These few months, I've never been really happy or truly happy. Why? Because I feel completely like a useless & worthless kind of a person who keeps depending on her psychiatrist for her medications - which sucks to be honest & right now I'm waiting for my psychiatrist to appoint me a new psychologist as the psychologist that I have been working with for nearly a year doesn't work with me like literally. It doesn't work. I feel like totally shit whenever I see her. Yes, it's a her. My mind is full of negative thoughts about ways of dying - such as overdosing which never works. I tried to find things to cope with my feelings like being busy at work & also I do smoke (yes I'm underage but smoking only when I'm stress) as it's the only form of a coping method.
When I self-harm, everyone will be mad at me. When I overdose, everyone will be mad at me. So smoking is the only coping method I have in order for me to cope with my true feelings that I've hide for so many months. Even when you talk it out, no point. Why? Because when you talk it out, everything seems only make it worse. You feel horrible & you feel like literally want to die. I talk some to my friends, some to my mom, some to my psychiatrist & some to my counsellers but honestly when talking to them, it really doesn't work. It only work when you write or type down your true feelings. I have been in & out of IMH for nearly 5 times & I would give a standing applause as they help me a-lot even though living there is like a hell to some patients but I feel safe there sometimes. But at the same time, being there is not good also for your health.
If anyone would ask me, what do I literally want? I want a place where NO ONE, not even one person could find me. A place where it is fulls of flowers, trees with swings & white horses. A place where I could draw out my true emotions & yelled out whatever I wanted to say & maybe God will know what is going to happen but sadly, that place is not real neither do we have such place except imaginations. When I was imagining stuffs, I'll be happy but when people stopped me or made me realised that it was just an inagination, I feel completely down. I feel like I wanted to die. I feel like this place doesn't need me. I feel like the community doesn't fits me. Let me tell you a story about this girl which I heard from my friend.
She was just only a teenager like you hut suffer from different types of mental problems. She met this one particular girl named "A" whom she feel safe with. She smiles & feel safe when she's with "A" but one day, another girl who also suffer from mental problems named "B" took "A" away from her. She feel like "B" is gaining attention & stuffs & she feel jealous. She feels like "A" is hers but at the same time she loves both of them & yes, the 3 of them are friends. So one day, she said to "A",
"A, I feel like B needs you more than me. I mean she's always wanted you & I feel like our friendship doesn't last cause you're more to B. I don't mean no hate but I'm just saying out my feelings. I feel that it's better you just stay with B & help her go through this. I can't do this anymore, continuing to feel that I am okay & fine but the real thing is I need someone which is YOU but basically you've taken by someone. Sorry. Just leave me."
When this story hits my mind or when I heard about it, I feel quite the same thing too but I just don't know how to express it & instead I just let it hit my mind & let the feeling flow into my heart & just pretend that I am okay. You see, pretending to be okay is not an easy task. You have to "fake" a smile everyday just to hide that fucking feeling of yours & at the same time, sometimes you hide your feeling but your facial expressions just don't wanna work with you & instead it shows your true emotions & everyone will noticed that you are not actually okay! I have been acting like I am fine for the past few weeks & just pretend that "Hey, you know, why not pretend that I am okay so that no one will know how hurtful it is & just be yourself?" But the truth is, you want to be notice by someone & you want that particular someone to give you warmth & hug that you need & you want that someone to tell you that "It's fine. Everything is going to be okay."
But for me, I just don't want that someone to say that everything is going to be okay because I know that everything is NOT going to be okay! Everything is just a piece of bullshit or lie that I feel that I should have not deserved with? When that particular day was a happy day, I feel like it is going to be my last happy moments because I know that it won't last forever. I just want someone to say that ; "I know it's not okay but I'll promise that I'll walked the journey with you & light the light for you & reach out for you & give you a hug that you need & everything that you need. I'll make sure that one day, I'll make you smile till you won't lose a tear." However, no one, not even my mom or my friends know what I wanted or needed the most. I just want to leave from this place & never come back.
You see, pretending to be okay is just like fucking non-easy task. I feel like completely bullshit. I feel like ; "You know what? She doesn't even care about you cause she blahblahblahblah.." I just wanna say MY FINAL PIECE before I end this blog post for the month.
I AM SERIOUSLY TIRED OF HIDING MY TRUE EMOTIONS. I AM SERIOUSLY TIRED OF FAKING THAT I WAS OKAY. I AM SERIOUSLY TIRED OF FAKING THAT I WAS SMILING. I AM SERIOUSLY TIRED OF FEELING JEALOUSY. I AM SERIOUSLY TIRED OF FEELING THAT I AM NOT IMPORTANT. I AM SERIOUSLG TIRED THAT I AM FEELING WORTHLESS & HOPELESS.
AND TO ANY PARTICULAR SOMEONE, IF YOU WANNA KILL ME, GO AHEAD. I WON'T STOP YOU BUT INSTEAD I WOULD GIVE YOU A STANDING APPLAUSE CAUSE YOU DID WHAT I'VE BEEN WANTING TO DO SINCE I KNEW THAT I WAS NOT OKAY. AND IF ANY OF YOU DRIVE A CAR & I WAS NEARBY CROSSING THE ROAD, I WON'T HESITATE NOT TO MOVE FROM THE PLACE WHERE I STAND CAUSE I REALLY WANT TO END MY LIFE. I DON'T WANT ANYONE TO SAVE ME BECAUSE WHAT EVERYONE SAID TO ME THAT THEY WILL SAVE ME,THAT IS ALL A BULLSHIT & LIES. WHEN I NEED THEM, WHERE WERE THEY? AND IF I HAPPEN TO LOSE MY MEMORY, DON'T EVER THINK ABOUT MAKING ME REMEMBER WHAT HAPPEN TO ME OR MY PAST CAUSE IT'LL BROKE MY HEART. I WOULD RATHER HAVE A NEW IDENTITY & START A NEW LIFE. AND IF I HAPPEN TO PASS AWAY, PLAY THE MUSIC, AULD LANG SYNE - scottish folk song.
I'm not making any promises that I will truly kill myself but I just feel tired & exhausted. Just stop making me having hopes - false hopes. Just stop.