My Letter

When there is a time where I was struggling fighting with my mental disorders, I thought I was gonna die. No one was there for me. No one was there to reach out for me but instead humiliate me, scolded me for being silly & dumb, bullied me. I was scared. I thought they really understand me. They teased me for being tall, they teased me with the way I look & how I dressed. I look at other teenagers, have beautiful family, have siblings of their own, have their own room, have their own transport & huge amount of money to spend on stuff that they want. Sometimes I wonder why my life isn't beautiful as them? Why do I do not have a beautiful family? Why I do not have a siblings that I can fight, play with? Why can't I have my own room? Why do my parents do not own a car or transport that can fetch me home? Why do my parents is not rich as them? Why?

Everyday I struggle to keep or have my own pocket money. Sometimes I tried saving but instead it all goes down the drain. Why? Emergencies used & etc. I feel really down. I just want all this to end so that I won't feel pain. No one knew how many times I've cried at night praying or hoping that my life is much better than before but no. It was just a useless & hopeless dream. There is no need to have hope on dream like being rich & whatsoever. It's useless. Each night when I go to bed, I prayed & hope that I would wake up with an amnesia or probably lost all my hurtful memories but when I woke up, it's still there. Just there for me to remember & hold the grudge on people who make my life worse.

I just don't get it that some people who's life is worse than mine but they got what I want (e.g : iPhone? Travelling every month? Got new home maybe multi-storey?). It feels like why don't I get what they have? The countries that I have go is Malaysia, Indonesia & Australia, but most is Malaysia & the furthest country I go is Australia. I want to go USA but they went already. I want to go UK or maybe Korea or any country but they already went. When they talked to me about their travels, my heart feels so hurt like as if someone just shoot me at the heart with a gun & it broke into pieces. When someone compare me with others & saying that they are much better than me & saying I'm dumb.... do you know how it feels? It feels like I'm completely hopeless.

I went to school but ended up getting bullied & never talk to anyone about it. I tried going to work but ended up getting abused at work. I lost all my confidence. I hit to the bottom & my depression went from bad to worse & now I have to take medication in order to control my feelings & without it, I feel totally not okay. When I made friends with people at work, I'm scared. Why? Scared of losing them someday. I'm scared. Really scared & I feel like totally.... (damn hard to explain). I lost my friends because of depression & now I'm scared to make friends. I just want to be alone. I don't want to communicate with anyone. Even though it is hurts, really hurts, I feel totally like I'm not or let's say don't deserve them. My mind is full of negative thoughts & I tried to push them away but no. It won't work.

I push them away by saying that I was fine & stuff but inside my heart, I wanted to scream that I was not fine, that I want someone to say to me that they care, totally care. It leaves a huge scar on my heart that it is totally impossible for me to cure it or even have it replace or even have it patch up. No. I just don't know what to say anymore. I think what I really wanted to say has been written here as above.

"I'm fine & don't worry."
"I love you & goodbye."

From : Joker :)