A Letter

I started off easily with a very happy childhood where I have lots of friends, families who loved me and a place where I called home. However all that started to disappear one by one as in I lose everything at once and I can never make everything came back into my life. It all happen because I was depressed. I thought the people around me whom I refer them as friends were my true friends but nope. It was wrong. I was bullied often in school because I was good in English and Malay which is my mother tongue language. They started to bullied me by taking my school expenses away, calling names and etc. It was very tough but I just let it be until I couldn't take it anymore that I started to leave school because I have fear of being bullied. All my teachers and even the school were quite shocked by my sudden leaving and they started to called my mom what happened and my parents doesn't know anything at all as I refused to tell them what happened that makes me want to leave school even though I loved to study and etc. 

I leave school in Mid-February 2015. I started to change. I started to ignored everyone. I started to hate my friends. I started to hate everyone. I wondered why they picked on me? What did I do wrong that make them picked on me everytime? What did I do wrong that I have to be bullied? Everyone in this world doesn't deserve to be bullied no matter what their status or background or where they came from. I just don't get it. I just want to be happy. I just want to have friends that loved me and care for me. I envy other people that their friendship lasted long and I want that kind of friendship.

Soon after that, I started to change. I started to become cold and emotionless person. I started to act like I was strong but then when people came to me and complain that they want the old me back, I started to feel bad. I started to feel like, "Why did I become so cold?" I told myself that I become cold is because not to make people bully me often but to prove that I am not a type of a person who is easily bullied. So from then, my personality changed. The way I think about people changed. I started to changed for the sake of protecting myself.

I started wearing guy's clothes ⏩ I'm not a butch. Just because a girl wear guy's clothes, I'm not a butch. I started to wear black eyeliner and get myself a very scary looking possible. Not to make everyone scared of me but to make everyone leave me. I just don't know why but I much prefer that people leave me and be happy because I'm was "stamped" un-happy luck which means I make people sad all the time so why the worth stick with me? I make people sad and I don't want any of my close family or friends to be sad all the time for me. I want them to be happy. That's why I acted cruel or cold to them. I don't deserve their love neither their care.

I much prefer to be alone with my music, books, work and my future job which is taking care of horses which begins in Oct this year! Sorry guys, I'm not avoiding you but do know that I'm here always.