#HAPPYNATIONALCOMINGOUTDAY
(This post is dedicated to lesbian, gay, transgender, bisexual, pansexual, transexual, genderfluid and queer community! And also for those who have successfully coming out, I would like to give you guys a HUGE amount of love 💕 and proud of you guys for coming out of the closet!)
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Today is 11th of October 2016, which means is the National Coming Out day, a special day for LGBTQs communities! In this blog post, you'll get to know how I struggle with my own sexuality and how I managed to come out from the closet after years of hiding and I feel like this is the moment for me to come out as I feel that there is no point in hiding anymore. My name is Siti Khadijah and this is ny story. Some basic information about me is that I was born in Singapore to both of my "straight" Malay parents in 2001. I have a trouble growing up as a child with a lot of restrictions from both of my parents side but mostly on my father's side. My childhood is not a happy childhood, therefore which is why I have major depressive disorder and personality disorder.
It began in 2012, I could remember clearly what happened. I was in bed sleeping when I had a dream - a very strange dream that I would think no one has it before. I saw an adult version of myself dressing in a complete different outfit, not a girl type of outfit but manly outift - similar to a wedding suit. I have my natural curly hair tied up in a braided ponytail while waiting for someone. And then this mysterious lady wearing bridal gown appeared infront of me calling me, "Honey". I was shocked and confused. I woke up in sweat and thinking what is that dream about. From then on, I started to doubt my sexuality. "Am I straight? Am I lesbian? Am I bisexual?". I started to doubt my feelings and I feared that I would have a crush on my friends who is in the same school as me and I feel like this is not right!
Move forward to when I was 12, I began to date my bestfriend who I shall name as M. M and I have a very complicated relationship - such as we always fight but ended up being together. The cycle repeats and we had about 2 years relationship and then we broke off because mainly we're confused with what we are doing and we went to separate ways but still we are friends, not as close as before. Then I began my journey where I started to lived off in a complete different reality. I started to dress more like a boy and I feel more comfortable in boy clothings. When I go shopping, I would always go to the boy's sections and the staffs who worked at the retail would ask me if I were to purchase this for my boyfriend? I still remember that I have to lied to them. I would always say, "Yes. I need to find for this (xx) size for him. Do you have it?". The staffs would never doubt me ever since then but I feel very uncomfortable about being to lied to the staffs that I actually have an "imaginary" boyfriend when in fact those clothes are supposingly to be mine.
I went into a very deep emotional state where I couldn't really accept my own sexuality that I feel the body I am living in is not my own body but someone else. I started to hate my body and I started to hate the fact that I am not straight. I would always wonder, "I was born to be straight but why my feelings is different from straight people?". I began to watch LGBTQ people on YouTube where they shared their coming out stories, how they faced a very bad humiliation from their friends and families and how they conquered all that and how happy they are right now with their partners and it is okay to feel different cause you were meant to be. Because of one video that I watch on YouTube, I slowly began to accept myself that I am "different". I am not straight. So I told myself that I am bisexual and I came out to my mom in Feb this year and she showed no reaction but a speechless reaction (i think i posted about this in one of my blog post. Im not so sure which one, so go and read from the start - LOL 😂). Okay, from this moment my memory a bit sucks cause I'm too depressed and when you're depressed, your memory begans to fade. So I remembered that I posted about being genderfluid and from bisexual, I came out as genderfluid because I believe that I have 2 genders and I played as both.
And now this revealing part, I have been labelled as bisexual and genderfluid, and now, I'm going to make an openly confession. On this date, 11th of October 2016, I proudly annouced that I am no longer a bisexual. I am A LESBIAN. In matter of fact, I am also still genderfluid but I'm more to lesbian. I am no longer interested in guys even though I have some infatuations towards HOT korean actors but I'm attracted to girls now. I am proud to be a lesbian now and I am tired of hiding in the closet for years and now I do not need to hide because what's the point? #lovewins by the way! And to answer some of your questions, I'm still single therefore please do not keep asking if I am attached cause I've clearly stated that I am single.
And if you were to ask me a question if I am embarrassed? The answer is nope. So to my "closeted" readers, it is okay to be confused. Just come out at the right time because you cannot continue to hide. That is my advice to you!
#LOVEWINS 🌈
❤💙💚💛💜 = 🌈 = 👬👭.
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