Is This All The End?
⚠HUGE TRIGGER WARNING⚠ There is involvements of drugs abuse, self harms and suicidal tendencies. Please DO NOT leave a hateful comments/message cause you are not me. I am seeking help from KKH Hospital and IMH therefore stop nagging at me and brainwashing me with religious beliefs and all that shit cause I know all that but this doesn't even relates to any demons or ghost or spirits. This relates to my mental and emotion issues. If you are easily triggered, please leave this blog post as soon as possible. Thank you for your cooperation.
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I started to create this blog for a reason. And that reason is possibly not to become popular neither wanna be famous or brag about stuffs that I bought, posing for photos and all that shit but I'm creating this blog because I wanted to share this awareness called, "Stop Humiliating Mental Illness". I know this "some sort" of awareness sounds weird but honestly it's an awareness that I created myself. I don't know about you but in my country, which is Singapore, a population of 100% which is equals to around of thousands or billions of people, among them, 55% of the people suffers from mental illness and they did not receive a proper care.
Before you started to bash on me with negativity responses or your opinion, let me finish what I wanted to say. I agreed that in Singapore, there is a place where you can received help if you are suffering from mental illness and that place is called Institute of Mental Health also known as IMH. I have been there thrice and so far my experience over there was neutral. My mental well-beings was taken care off even though I did not receive a treatment that I needed but somehow I managed to survive. The reason why I said that "they did not receive proper care" is because, here is the 2 reason which I think that supported my opinion.
• Parents did not care for the children
• Treatments were not given properly
If you were wondering why, let me tell you a story. I have a friend named Loisa who is not from Singapore, born in France but raised in Singapore till she was 14 before she was sent back to her homeland. She suffers from Major Depression and Schizophrenia. Her parents were were divorced after she went back to France. She told me this, which is quite heartbreaking. She told me that after the divorce, her family situation got worse. Her dad started to sexually abuse her. Her mother started to go out and met some gigolo and she suffers quite a lot. Her mind couldn't take it and accept what is happening that she seek help from her psychiatrist. She was admitted but not for long till she came out and the same thing repeats. She overdose her medications and was admitted 5 times, she self-harms and to be honest, she send me pictures of her being in a state of helpless soul. I was so sad - not to be able to help her and not to be able to get her out of where she is. She hopes to get back her but then everything change. She committed suicide - hanging herself in her bedroom with both of her wrist cut open and she left a death note, which her mother send it to me in honor of her daughter.
It was written in French language but thanks to my online friend who is half French-Korean who translated it for me. This letter or should I say "suicide note" contains explicit theme and some suicidal tendecies. Please skip this letter if you feel disgusted - even I am digusted but I have to post this letter in honor of my friend.
Dear Joker,
Thank you for being my only closest friend who understand my situation when nobody else does. I feel safe and happy whenever I talk about what is happening here. To be honest, after I went back here, my life completely changes. My parents, myself and everyone else. I was sexually abused by my own father cause his company went into bankrupt and he would come back home - drunk always and I would be the victim to his lust of sex. It was hurt especially when he forces me to do "things" that I do not want to. My mother started to go out with younger guys, spending money on them and even go to holidays with them. I feel like I lost my parents into an accident. I feel like I do not know them. I am tired. Mentally and Physically. I feel like I've got no one. I wanted to go back to Singapore and be with you, grow with you and be your angel but it's impossible. I feel trapped. I did what you asked, go and seek help but the treatments in France is different from the treatment I get in Singapore. I don't like it here - especially if you are violent, they'll threaten to put you in mental asylum which I hated the most cause it scares me. I just want to be in your arms and hear your voice saying that "It's okay." I want to meet you so badly but I can't. The voices, the people. It scares me. I am tired of fighting. I am tired of giving in. I am tired of taking medication, being sexually abused. I just want to end this all.
Joker, please be happy always and take care of yourself. I heard that you've met your Harley and she's nice - I could see that. Just remember that where ever I am, I would always have my eye on you. I love you, my Joker. Take care and Goodbye.
~ Loisa Rosá
You see? My friend here did not receive the attention and care that SHE NEEDED from both of her parents, instead she was sexually abused and ignored by them. We, mentally ill children or adults need proper attention and care by our loved ones, so that in that way, we can recover, not today, not tomorrow, not next week, not next year but hopefully soon. If we don't receive the proper treatment and care that we needed, how could we possibly recover?
You may not know me but I have been through quite a lot these year. I have lost quite a lot of friends due to suicide and I never have the chance to say that I loved them or I miss them so much. I miss their conversations but now, it's all gone. I could neither feel their presense neither feel that they are alive. I've been taking medication regularly to prevent myself from getting worse but at the same time I feel that when I took it, it's the same. No difference. I feel totally objected like I feel there is no hope for living. For this 1 month, I have been keeping A LOT of stuffs in my mind that I wish I could let it out one day but I have trust issues. Even with my close friends, I do not want to say it out, not because I don't trust them but because I feel that I couldn't. I started to became addicted to laxatives and addicted to being "skinny". I kept purchasing laxatives and took maximum of 8 pills per week to make me lose weight and when I kept checking my weigh using weighing scale, I lost quite a lot of pounds and I'm surprised.
I would sometimes purge out the food that I ate because I felt guilty for eating and somehow I don't derserve to eat, so in order for me to keep track on what to eat, I would slowly decrease the intake of the food so that I would lose weight more. I just - I feel that I am fat and I do not like myself. I am so addicted to being skinny that right now I've isolated myself from everyone else. I started to ignore my friends, my parents and even my family. I just want to be at home with my laxatives, scales and bathroom. I know that some of you by the time you are reading this, you might be wondering, "Hey, this girl really needs help but why she didn't received any?" or etc. I did seek help but nonetheless, useless. All I heard was, "You gotta eat three meals per day, do not skip and all that bullshit." So that is why I feel like everyone in this world who is suffering from mental illness needed proper care and treatment.
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《AND THIS IS TO ALL THE PROFESSIONAL WHO CLAIMS TO BE PRO IN PSYCHOLOGY, READ THIS FUCKING POST BELOW》
WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO IF THERE IS A PATIENT WHO IS SUFFERING FROM DEPRESSION AND ALSO EATING DISORDER, SEEKING HELP FROM YOU BUT YOUR ANSWER WAS EAT MEDICATION AND EAT PROPER MEALS THREE TIMES A DAY BUT THE PATIENT DID HER BEST AS SHE COULD BUT IN THE END SHE COMMITTED SUICIDE BECAUSE SHE COULDN'T TAKE IT AND LEFT A SUICIDE NOTE SAYING THAT EVERYTHING DOESN'T WORK OUT? IMAGINE IF THAT PATIENT WERE YOUR OWN DAUGHTER AND IMAGINE IF YOU LOST YOUR DAUGHTER BECAUSE OF THE SAME REASON, WOULDN'T HER PARENTS BE SAD AND MAD? BECAUSE THEIR PARENTS TRUSTED YOU AND LEFT THEIR DAUGHTER IN YOUR CARE BUT ALL YOU DID WAS TO PROVIDE MEDICATION AND GAVE A BLOODY FUCKING SHIT SAYING THAT "Oh, she's absolutely fine. Just her own emotions that makes her like that." IF YOU WERE TO WORK HARD ENOUGH TO FIND OUT WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOUR PATIENT, SUICIDE WOULD HAVE BEEN PREVENTED.
I didn't mean to lash out my anger to the psychiatrist or psychologist. I respected you guys for being professionals in psychology but sometimes when I seek help for the things that I feel that is not right, the answer is always different from what I thought it would be. I just want you guys to know that I'm, the patient who is currently fighting her life to prevent to have an eating disorder or having anorexia and all that shit cause I'm already tired from fighting. I just need a break. I just want to end this all and sleep in peace. I want to enjoy playing with the horses, my teddy bears, my swings and looking at the sky and smile happily for the very first time. Cause throughout this whole entire time, I have been faking a smile to hide my pain and no one knows that. And that is the reason why I created this blog to rant out my feelings cause I feel that no one would listen cause they don't understand how I feel and they are not me. I can't simply put them into my mind because I have a bloody fucking trust issues and I don't let people in easily. I've also had a phobia with communicate with strangers and that's why I go out dressing weirdly cause I want people to avoid me - not because I am scared but I'm just really frightened. I am scared to open up my opinions in public and I would rather agreed with other people opinions rather than my own cause I believe that my opinion would never change a thing. I think I'm better off dead rather lived in this bloody shit world.
On a side note - I won't be posting blog post for a while cause I'll be taking a break from everything but don't worry, just because I never post, that doesn't mean that I am dead *fake laugh*. I'll shall leave my links down below to find me in social medias if you have any questions or want me to promote something or want me to advert something, all will be down below!
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My Personal Instagram : @thejoker.w
My Ranting Instagram : @spacetorelapse
My Official Fanclub : @thejoker.w_officialfanclub
My Personal Twitter : @zerosuicidexx
My Backup Twitter : @zerosuicidexx2
My Carousell Shop : @ShopForLusty (only ships to Singapore!)
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