Update on My Life
This blog post is quite long and has been divided into 4 parts. Therefore, if you are not a person who loves to read, please do not read this blog post. Thank you. Rude/mean/threatening comments will be removed!
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• MY DIET •
Many people has been asking me how the hell i managed to lost weight from 87.7kg to 76.2kg? Well to answer your question, I do not basically know because I'm not a person who is atheletic and a person who loves to go to the gym for a workout - no. That is not me. I'm a type of a person who goes on for a long bus ride with loud blasting music, my sketch book, my black ballpoint pen and a story book and create imaginative characters. My diet is basically under unhealthy category because if you were to follow my diet, I bet you would be in the hospital having IVs inserted into your arms.
My diet consists of eating 1 or 2 meals PER day. I never ate breakfast or lunch or dinner at some point of time because living in Singapore is damn fucked up. Everywhere you go is damn expensive and even if you were to buy an iPhone 7, you gotta save us that fucking $1000+ to buy if you were interested to have one but if you were an Apple user, you can maybe upgrade it to iPhone 7 maybe by paying lesser than $1k. My parents gave me pocket money consist of $5-$7 per day and I don't basically spend on food. I spend it on stuffs that I want and I need it sometimes I won't spend it and just save it up - put it into my savings and just leave it there for emergency uses. I'll elaborate my financial issues later on. Let's just focus on my diet.
~ Breakfast ~
Iced Milo (can or in a small box packet)
~ Lunch ~
Iced Milo (same thing as breakfast)
~ Dinner ~
Rice with assorted dishes like fish or chicken.
Sometimes this diet ⬆ makes me lose energy and lose concentrations and it does give some effects or symptoms that my body is not feeling well. At some point of time that i took it to the extreme because of my financial issues that i never spend and ate at all during the whole day that i suffered gastric pains for 3 days and couldnt get out of the bed. Some point of time, you know the consequences like what it does to your body but you chose to ignore and go by your own flow. So i paid the consequences by being on the bed like a a person who is being supported by a life support trying to fight for her own fucking life. As days went by, my weight started to drop instantly. I started to feel "proud" of myself that I am losing weight but at the same time I am not "happy" because I'm not doing it in the right way. All i wanted was flat stomach, thigh gaps and being able to wear things that i wanted to wear. I want to be proud of myself - but instead i chose the unhealthy way. If you added up the total amount of calories i've eaten everyday, it would added up to less than 1200 calories. Normal person should take at least 1500-2200 calories per day which means 3 meals per day but for me I took 1 meal per day. Why? The answer will be down below.
• So my highest weight was 87.7kg
• My second highest was 81.2kg
• My third highest was 79.9kg
• My fourth highest was 76.9kg
• My fifth highest was 76.2kg (current weight).
I won't tell you what is my goal weight because it's very negative thing to think about therefore I don't put up goals on my blog unless I feel like I wanted to - LOL.
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• CHANGING HOSPITAL? •
So today I went to KKH Hospital for my appointment with my psychiatrist and I told her a lot that has been happening around me and all that shit - so she decided to transfer me to her hospital which is Changi General Hospital cause she has a psychologist there and I don't wanna see my old fucking psychologist in KKH anymore cause of an incident happened, therefore I do not want to see her. So I agreed and my case with KKH will be closed as off now but the appointments will be an "open date". So from now on I'll be seeing her at CGH and with the new psychologist instead of being at KKH. I requested a new medication - panic attack pills since I have a class with a huge amount of group and it'll be very hard for me to control my emotions and me being anti-social "sort of" it's very hard for me to be with people.
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• MENTAL HEALTH UPDATE •
These few weeks, my mood has been very worse and I couldn't control it neither I could stop feeling it. I've always feel very negative about myself and I feel like everyone doesn't wants me and etc and I feel like I'm not worth it. I just want to be "me." My old self. Going back to school and all that but it's tough. Slowly, I feel the inner demons coming out and slowly taking over me and I could feel it. Some of you may call me crazy or psycho but this is what I truly feel. I don't feel uncomfortable when people approach me with no reasons and I just want to be alone. Yes, alone cause that way no one can be hurt except myself. I am tired of fighting the same demon and battle and I am seriously sick of it. I just don't know why I am even going to be alive! I kept hearing voices and sees hallucinations and I'm slowly become a Joker - y'know the Batman character or Suicide Squad character? Jared Leto acted as Joker? Yeah, i was referring to that character and I am slowly becoming one.
My sleep was affected so badly. I couldn't sleep properly because of a lot of stuffs has been happening and I'm very tired and unhappy with my life that I feel like there is no hope for living. I really want to end my life cause I'm tired of being hurt all the time. I just want to sleep and feel nothing but feel peace. So everyday, I'm suffering like hell trying to wakeup and go for my normal everyday routine which kinda sucks. My eating was also affected (which I had stated above) that my weight gradually went down because of too much stress. There are times I feel like I am stuck and couldn't get out. There are also times where I feel I couldn't breath and I feel really stuffy. I feel my chest wanna burst like fuck and god knows it more than I do and when I tell the doctors and everyone, they denied the pain and said it was normal but for me it is not normal cause it is NOT FUCKING NORMAL. I AM FUCKING DEEPLY DEPRESSED AND I FEEL LIKE I WANNA DIE FOR GOODNESS SAKE. And right now I'm trying to cope with my mental health right now so for those who never have experience with mental health issues or whatsoever, just keep your fucking mouth shut and mind your own business. Thanks.
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• CHANGING HOSPITAL?! •
From now on, i won't be having ANY appointments at KKH cause my psychiatrist transferred me to see her instead at Changi General Hospital cause I don't wanna see my old fucking psychologist at KKH so it's very hard therefore, she told me, why not go to ber hospital cause over there got psychologist and she can easily get through with the "new" psychologist that I am gonna meet after 6 weeks. SO, SAYONARA TO KKH & HELLO TO CGH 😊.
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• FINANCIAL ISSUES •
To be honest, I don't wanna gain sympathy from people or beg people for money but to be frank, I'm in desperate situation where I need money desperately to support myself and my parents. I am not very poor neither poor. We have money but it just that the money we have is not enough to last to the day where mh dad got his pay as im not working cause i've started school so it's very difficult for me to go to work but i could work and replace someone if they never come to work due to MCs or whatsoever. I really need your help by helping me to support by buying items from my blogshop below ;
~ SHOPFORLUSTY ~
I don't ship to other countries as I do not have PayPal account. I only shipped to Singapore! And also not for being rude neither not for being desperate but since I am starting school, I need more money to support myself financially to ease my parents burden. Therefore, it would be very helpful for you to click the link below to donate!
• DONATE TO ME •
My goal is to get $1,000. I am not asking for much but if I were to get more than $1,000, I will donate part of the money to Community Chest which is to help the others in need and proof will be uploaded on my personal instagram if I were to hit more than $1,000.
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I know that there is A LOT for me to ask but I'm in a desperate situation therefore please help me and I'll appreciate your help and would never forget your kindness and may God bless you and your family members!