I Need A New Life (HUGE TRIGGER WARNING)
I have no ideas why these days, my post on Twitter, Instagram and my blog are very depressing. I noticed that recently, it turns out that I am in the verge of having major relapse from depression and these are the signs of symptoms which I've ignored completely. I'm not trying to act proud that I'm suffering from mental illness, in fact not one but more than one. Most of these illness are diagnosed by my psychiatrist but some are not diagnosed. I'm just mad at myself. Why? Because I just couldn't control my own emotions. I could easily get affected. Here I shall list out on the things that I could easily get affected with when people said these to me, and I'm being honest here.
First thing : Sensitivity
I am very sensitive when someone told me off that I did something wrong or tell me that I do things wrongly in front of other people - it makes me feel embarrassed by the action that they make, making me feel really worthless and I would avoid that person, probably won't be talking to them until that feeling of anger goes away by itself. I hate that I am so sensitive towards things that I would do things that I shouldn't to myself - for example, cutting my hands, making it bleeds and cry in loneliness. I don't like taking things too hard and when I do, I feel so worthless and I would cry like shit. I just don't like my personality. I hate my personality. I don't feel proud of myself.
I just admired my cousin's going to the ball and prom wearing nice suits and gowns with long flocks of hair while here I am working in Pizzahut and Equals, taking of horses without getting paid and my life is worse. I won't say that my life is worse but other people's life is worse than mine but our pain is similar. We understand each other - what we have been going through. I miss the old me, who is smiling throughout her whole entire time even though she knew that her life is not easy but she continues to smile and I miss that fucking old me.
Slowly I started to lose interest in doing things that I like - such as talking to my friends, chatting with people on Facebook or WhatsApp and check on Shopee or Carousell for stuffs that I wanted to purchase, instead of doing all that stuffs, all I could focus was razor blades, bloods, starvation and losing weights. Talking to people who don't understand what is truly mental illness is, NO USE.
Song that I'm currently listening : Faded by Alan Walker
First thing : Sensitivity
I am very sensitive when someone told me off that I did something wrong or tell me that I do things wrongly in front of other people - it makes me feel embarrassed by the action that they make, making me feel really worthless and I would avoid that person, probably won't be talking to them until that feeling of anger goes away by itself. I hate that I am so sensitive towards things that I would do things that I shouldn't to myself - for example, cutting my hands, making it bleeds and cry in loneliness. I don't like taking things too hard and when I do, I feel so worthless and I would cry like shit. I just don't like my personality. I hate my personality. I don't feel proud of myself.
I just admired my cousin's going to the ball and prom wearing nice suits and gowns with long flocks of hair while here I am working in Pizzahut and Equals, taking of horses without getting paid and my life is worse. I won't say that my life is worse but other people's life is worse than mine but our pain is similar. We understand each other - what we have been going through. I miss the old me, who is smiling throughout her whole entire time even though she knew that her life is not easy but she continues to smile and I miss that fucking old me.
Slowly I started to lose interest in doing things that I like - such as talking to my friends, chatting with people on Facebook or WhatsApp and check on Shopee or Carousell for stuffs that I wanted to purchase, instead of doing all that stuffs, all I could focus was razor blades, bloods, starvation and losing weights. Talking to people who don't understand what is truly mental illness is, NO USE.
Song that I'm currently listening : Faded by Alan Walker