No happiness = No smiles
"A day just went by and everything was pitch black. Pain do exist but no one knows how to control the pain. Cry and cry, tears and tears, sorrow and sorrow.... Do everyone know how does it feel?"
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A day has passed by.... Alot of things has happened..... Depression hit in, relapse hit in and alot of sad things happened and everything is so hard to just blend them in into my life and turned them to something positive. The first thing that happened was being to blend in with new communities as in the surroundings and for me, I'm not really comfortable being with a lot of people. Actually quite a lot of sad and depressing things happened. Shall I elaborate more?
I feel lonely. I feel sad. I feel the need to cry over things that don't even matter anymore. I feel like everything is so hard to change from negative to positive and to be completely honest, it's tough to be positive when you're in the verge of trying to run away from your life. When I met my Papa, I miss him like hell. For 14 years, I have never met him neither know his face for goodness sake. Spend 2 lovely days with him but everything just a dream. The happiness with him was shortened as he had to go back to UK. He is a Singaporean but he has been living in UK for quite long. When I heard he had to go back to UK, I feel so sad but I know I can't stop him as that place is where he's belong. To be completely honest, I'm not ready to let him go. He raised me up since I was a newborn and a year plus when my parents were working so the bondness over a "caretaker" and myself is like between a single father and a chubby me. (Yes, I was freaking chubby when I was baby.)
After he went back to UK, everything changes. My emotional pain changes from bad to worse. I cried in school not once but thrice because I felt very low about myself. I felt very like "hey, that's not me". I talked with YMCA social workers about what's going on and I told one of them that I was not happy how society has become. Every innocent teenagers like me has turn from bad to worse and a-lot of sacrifices has been made and it saddens me. If you want me to elaborate more on what I am saying, everything is not like what I expected.
Many things has happened and I often cried after school ends and thinking how am I supposed to go through all this shit till I get the success I want? Many things happened because of a reason but what reason? What is the reason? I asked this
question to myself, "why am I born to be depressed? What is the good thing of being depressed? All i want is to be happy. Why can't i have all that?" My financial problems has begun to rise up. My budget is very tight and i have to sacrifice a lot of stuffs in order to save up money. You see, people always says my life is easy because i have both of my parents loving me but our happiness is not there. We often stressed about money, and right now i'm thinking of taking two jobs and keep on working to support myself and help my parents.
To me money is my enemy and money is the one who make me become a monster. A monster who hates everyone, a monster who isolates herself and a monster who hates rich people who forget about their past backgrounds. Sometimes i wished that my life is better but right now, all i want is that, i want the pain to end. Like end. Cause i couldn't take it anymore. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I've had enough. Money is enemy and I will never be the person who loves money.
Too tired to explain things that has been going on lately. I just want all this to end and everything to end. God, please ease the burden.