Titles May Not Needed
This blogpost took me 4 days to summarize into ONE blog and it takes a lot of effort for me to express my feelings as I typed these out. Some of you out there may know me as my real name, some of you out there may know me as Jonah, some of you out there may know me as Zero. I came out with many different names to protect my identity - personal reasons. Sometimes I do wonder like should I have a fake ICs and passport for these fake names? The answer is nope. I see there is no difference in having real name and also fake name cause you are still you.
I have been living in this stupid society with lots of bullshits and all and to be honest, I'm tired. My insomnia has been getting worse. I have trouble sleeping lately and my phobia of talking with other people makes me feel so insecure and makes me feel so sick. To be honest right now, I do feel like I'm not wanted in this Earth. What kind of planet would accept me as their citizen? I have people telling me that I have to be positive all the time but I see there is no point in being positive cause my mind has been negative since then. Fighting this stupid illness is very tiring. It's like a cycle. How does the cycle looks like?
• You were fine until you came across RELAPSE and then you went through that shit for days, weeks or even months and sometimes I were had to be admitted to IMH and yes, I am going to go there again next year, but not now - as I want to focus more on my life with these relapse thing going on but I have to try. After struggling with multiple relapses, then you through RECOVERY where you are a bit more happier than before, not depressed neither suicidal. You are just you. Happy with your life but also struggling, however with the help or support from parents and families, you are able to make it to the recovery journey.
And then this cycle will repeat over and over again until God knows when it is going to end. Sometime these cycles made me suffer. Made me lose weight so fast, suffers from severe insomnia, agoraphobia and social anxiety. People may say, "Oh, you just have to mix around with people more." The truth is you guys don't understand. How hard it is if you have agoraphobia and social anxiety to mix around with people. Imagine of something that you are really afraid of and imagine having to face that thing All by yourself - with no one to help you or support you or encourage you to fight that fear. That is how most of agoraphobics and people with social anxiety feels. That is how we fell. People may think that we are faking this phobias and fears but the truth it - no we are not faking it.
Do you want me to show you guys my diagnosis? I can ask my psychiatrist to photocopy of my diagnosis. What proof do you want? When I tell you what I am truly feel and what I truly need, you guys just don't understand. There is a lot of teenagers and adults who are suffering from different types of mental illness and they did not received support that they need - and all of them contemplated suicide. You guys wanna prevent all this shit? Then stop it. Stop saying that we are bragging of needing attention. Stop saying that we fucking need to stop how we behave because that is who we really are and we are literally suffering. Stop saying these shits ;
• Stop doing all these shit and go and pray.
• Stop starving.
• Stop wasting time with the blades or all that. You're a ugly.
When you guys said these to us, you are making us even more sad and even more distant with other people. We want to truly recover however there is demon in our head that is controlling our mind and body. We SEEK HELP and everything, SO PLEASE FUCKING STOP ALL THOSE SHIT.
Stop making us even more worse. Help us while we are trying to help ourselves. We do not need your help fully but we need your help by understanding the true meaning of suffering from these illnesses and your help of supporting and be there for us when we truly need you. That is all we need.
♤♤♤♤
My Instagram : @thejoker.w
My Ranting account : @seaweed.w
My Twitter : @darknessbeyond & @zerosuicidexx2