What kind of person am I?

Most people will never understand what does it feels like when you have really bad anxiety and depression. Many people think that people who suffer from depression or any mental illness are just being lazy - the fact is that we aren't lazy. Having depression and to suffer from it is like being drowned in the sea and you are struggling to go to the open sea to breath an oxygen but something is pulling you down and down and it's difficult. It was really hurtful when someone thinks that i am just being lazy when i did not attend for work or school or anything classes or work related. I am not lazy. It's just difficult for me to express why i am behaving like so.

I never prayed that i wanted to be this way. Neither my parents were. I never prayed to be sick. I never. It's deadly illness. It's not fun to suffer from it because when you suffer from it, your mind and emotions are being controlled by the demon and you feel suffocated and you feel wanna commit suicide because there is no other option to stop the pain except ending your life. I have lost many friends through suicide and i do not wish to lose many friends or family because of it. Many people misunderstood the real conception of depression. Depression can come in many ways and different symptoms would shows. No one knew how tired i was to keep fighting and fighting and recite my Quran verses and pray to God that this pain would slowly end. No one know how tired i was to keep eating the same medication again and again and having the medication effect on me. It hurts. No one knew how tired i was to keep my soul alive. No one knew how tired i was to keep putting on fake smile and to forcefully communicate to everyone else just to have 'friends'.

Friends y'would say? No. They're not my close or best friends. Just friends. When i feel so suicidal and i feel so breathless and i feel so suffocated, i wish i had someone to talk to and i wish i could share with everyone what my pain is really like but as i think back even if i tell them, will they care about me? Will they put their concern in me? No. In fact i've lost hope in everyone. Everyone just treat me like a piece of shit. They see me as "attention seeker". I've never had friends - true friends in my entire life. Friends whom i made during my stay at IMH, all lost contact. I was wondering how they are and are they okay?

You see, i'm supposed to worry about myself but here i am worrying about others than myself. Yes. I know, i'm stupid because i worry about others than my own self. What such a dumb person i am. I'm so self conscious that i'm scared to do things that might anger my friends and just follow what they say instead of following what my heart says. I know. I'm really dumb person. I hate myself. Well today, 28th of December 2016, i finally met my psychiatrist after 2 months of not seeing her and my weight gradually decrease because i was not in the mood to eat or have that appetite to eat and well we talk quite a lot until the end where she prescribe my medication and she told me, "Please eat to stay alive. Your weight is slowly decreasing and is not good for your health especially when you are at this height". When she said that, i was taken aback and just smiled and take my prescription and made my payment. I was mad at myself.

I mean, if i knew that my weight is going to be a problem, then why i did not die in the first place and just be gone from here? Why? Why is God giving the opportunity to me? I am bad, i commit sins and my father's relative "marked" me as a "person who will never ever enter Paradise", so why is God giving me the opportunity that i don't deserved? I see myself as a person who commit many sins that i feel i shouldn't be forgiven by God. But why is God letting me live?

I am stupid.
I am dumb.
I am self-conscious.
I am worried about others than myself.

What kind of person am I? I don't know. People took advantage of me. Hurt my feelings and make me lose hope. I don't feel or wish to lived anymore at some point of time.