I am Sorry for being Who I Am & not being Who You Want
huge disclaimer : RANT , vulgars & possible suicidal tendencies and confession.
•••
Most probably all of you will be tired of me or maybe stop reading my blog because mainly everything is nearly the same and no changes and i talked about almost the same thing - but this time round it is going to be different from other blogs as i have mentally and phsyically prepared for this. I have opted this challenge and i am making up for it. So recently if you have been following on my second instagram which is @seaweed.w, you'll notice that my behaviour have changed, my mood and everything. My appetite was affected, my sleep was affected, my phobia of going out and socializing with people is increasing to the maximum level which i couldn't take it. I started to weigh myself regularly to check if i have gained weight or lose weight. I have basically stopped eating all the foods that i liked - not stopping but barely could finish them all. When i am infront of people that i've known, i would eat the food and the when i am alone, i would throw up or basically took laxatives and i went to the bathroom to take shit. (I remembered that i made a post about my laxative abuse last year and i am not sure if it's still around - if it doesn't, i'll do a separate post on it.) I started to feel worse about myself and i started to feel very insecure when i am around with crowded people - i started to think that this person is judging me and i feel very unsafe? So i avoided everyone, i wore my comforting black baggy oversized jacket, with no makeup on, just my nerd specs, my heavy loads of bagpack, my phone and wallet and my jeans and off to work or school in that kind of appearance.
Many people walked past by me and they thought i was a zombie, my eyebags was totally a wrecked - i could barely open my eyes and even concentrate on smaller things that i used to do. I feel breathless when i am feeling so un-confident that i feel that i should ran out of the place and exit right away and go home and cuddle your large teddy bear and sleep. That is what i always wanted to do at home but sadly because the community and society has changed, Singapore government law has strictly forbidden younger teens or youths that are out of school because of personal issues, they have clearly stated that you either go find a part-time job or stay in school and finished your studies which i do not agree to - which is why i took different part time jobs because i do not wish to be controlled by anyone. I just want to be a free bird that could fly in the sky as much as she wishes. So as of now, i have missed my secondary 2,3 & 4 studies so my job place had decided to send me back to study which i am going to continue.
•••
In fact, if you are going to question me how my friendship and relationship has been going so far? I would say hectic. I have lost more than 5 friends, i broke up with my boyfriend because he barely focuses on me. I've lost everything in 2016. I would say that 2016 is my devil and worse year i have ever experience in my entire life. People expected me to change because i was not myself? I wasn't attentive as before? I was isolated. I was annoyed and irritated easily. I felt more comfortable when i am alone but when people came to me, my whole behaviour, expression and what i thought of that person just change.
•••
The moral of this blog post?
I wanted to say to the people that have been affected because of my stupid behaviour which i, myself can't even identify so i am sorry that i wasn't myself these past few days and if i ever had yelled, pushed, screamed, cursed or whatsoever, i apologised.
And to those #MOTHERFUCKERS who thinks that i am just over-reacting, i am sorry for not BECOMING WHO YOU WANT ME TO BE. And do please get lost out of my sight.
•••
× PERSONAL INSTAGRAM
× RANTING INSTAGRAM
× DANCE INSTAGRAM
× PERSONAL TWITTER
× RANTING TWITTER
FOLLOW THE LINKS above!!!