Just Stop
This hit me so hard that i could rarely would want to accept who i am. People thinks i have an easy life but the truth is i am not. There was a time i wanted to quit. I wanted to stop all on what i have started, my job, my school, my determination to succeed, my hope & everything. People thinks i am just pretending to be "sick" & what i have said in the past doesn't even make any sense nor even make a truth about it.
To be truth, ALL of you do not know what depression feels like. You do not know what social anxiety feels like. You do not know what panic attack feels like. You do not know what trauma feels like. Let me tell you how does it feels like to live with this throughout your whole entire life. You aren't able to remove this label call "psychotic" on you. It'll forever stuck onto your name or your face or your life. Depression feels like you are stuck in this deep hole shit where EVERYONE is swimming but you are slowly drowing deep & deeper & even though you have swim furthur up than the rest but eventually you'll sink deep & deeper. Social anxiety & panic attack feels like you are have claustraphobia. You are just stuck in on big room with lots of judgemental people or should I say crazy or weird people that are sickening & digusting like - Donald Trump. I hate him to the core cause he's Anti-Islam, Anti-Asians, Homophobia & many deep shit.
He doesn't even realised that when Jews were in danger, who saved them? Islam did. Just because of that stupid fucking ISIS who reclaimed that whatever shit they do is for Allah, to be honest, ISIS are just fucking bullshit & they used Islam & my God - Allah to cover for their sins. I, myself an Islam & also a Muslim DOES NOT SUPPORT ISIS as I am loyal to my one & only God - Allah SWT & Prophet Muhammad SAW. I see ISIS as a terrorist - yes in fact they are. In our Holy book of Quran, Allah do not teach us to kill people for the sake of him. Allah wants peace not war, but the fucking idiot people who joined ISIS & thinks that if they die, they would be going straight to Heaven? Hmpfh. They are wrong. (Please read our Holy Book of Quran - if you want to know what has Allah SWT & Prophet Muhammad SAW has send to us.)
Anyways, why did I talk about ISIS anyway? Forget it. When I realised that i have trauma, it's hell. Everything just ruined it. Like there is nothing i would describe as a good thing. For years i have fought with lots of inner demons & i would admit that i am tired - physically & mentally. I hate myself for being such a bitch not wanting to fight anymore but just to stay fucking alive for the sake that i have yet to finished my debts which i owed. For my debtors who read this, please know that i am not a persob who will escape from her debts. I will settle it even if it take years. I am sorry but the condition right now is not really stable & i am struggling as shit.
I have seen lots of shit & stuffs that makes me hate them to the core. I have lots of enemies - such as my father's side? His brothers & sisters & nephews & nieces & grandchildren whom i WILL NEVER EVER accept them as my family even if they begged me infront of my door house. The mistake they did? They HUMILIATE my mother, CRITISIZE my grandparents (mom's side) & they VERBALLY abuse me saying i was rude & etc. To this day, i have never met them for years. I wish i could cut ties with them but it's tough.
A lot of things has happened to me that yet no one knows but know how to judge me? Judge me in just one split second by how i behave or dressed? It doesn't make any fucking sense. I am tired listening to people saying that i was just faking my mental illness & listening to them saying that mental illness is not an illness. Look, you aren't professional. You have never been in my shoes. Stop saying that i was seeking attention. I am not. So stop it!
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in any case if you are wondering if i am alive or not cause i have been missing lately from here, you can check me up on the social media platforms ;
• Personal
• Ranting (huge TW)
• Sky (my other androgynous profile)
• Personal Tweet
• Personal Tweet (huge tw)
do hit me up 👆 & i accept your request on my medias.