Every Last Bit of my Pain

Every journey is tough - not a single journey is simple & easy. Wonder how popular TV show celebrity like Ellen Degenerous became famous? Did she just passed all her school exams & applied jobs at entertainment industry & bam, she become famous with just one show? No. Every step & journey she went through is tough. She may look like, oh i do not have a problem at all. I'm stress free. No. She's just like us. She have her own problem, she do have stress. She too have emotions & sometimes she do want to give up but no. Ever wonder why i said this?

Many people do not understand me at all. And when i said all, means you. Yes. You. The person who is reading this, yeah, you. Stop making judgements & saying to me that, this is an easy step. You just have to forget everything, move on & i swear that you will be happy. You just have to open it. Don't fucking tell me what to do. You have never been in my shoes before. You have no idea how the fuck 16 years i have been through trying my best to get here, typing this shit in the middle of the night crying endlessly. You have no idea how tired i was everynight having to open my medication table, popped in different types, colours & dosage of psychiatric medications - every night. Many people have been wondering why i quit secondary school? Why i did not spend my last teenage years in school & instead going through different paths? Let me ask you this question, have you ever been put in a situation where you were stucked in one room full of 40 students & 4 teachers, in your mind, you are wondering what the hell they are talking about? Have you ever been so anxious about going to school in the morning? Have you ever feel the anxiety when you walked into the school gate & classroom having people looking at you weirdly & giving you stares that you wish it will stopped? Have you ever been bullied during primary schools just because you were introvert? Have you ever been called by teacher to perform infront of the classroom based on your composition or activities by your own & you cried in class & your teacher forced you till it broke your confidence? Have you ever fake your sickness in order not to come to school because you are afraid of being judge? Have you ever been put in a situation where you come to school & people talked about how you dress to school? Have you ever been in a situation where you panicked for no reason because you felt your friend is betraying you? Have you ever been in a situation where you feel so insecure about who you are that you tried to commit suicide in school? Have you ever been in a situation where you felt you were not 100% accepted by your own classmates ; seems that you are just a stranger to them?

I'd would be considered a liar if i did not admit this shit. In primary school, i was bullied because i was introvert. When i go to secondary school, i was bullied not verbally, mentally or physically but i would say that i wasn't 100% fit into that place. When i was 13, i thought i would be happy because i got new friends, new life & new experience to be in a complete different side of the world but guess what? I wasn't truly accepted. I saw that my friends could really blend in into the community really well with no problem or any chaos but for me, it took such a long time until i wasn't myself. I saw that i completely changed. I was totally outcast. Having been introvert - me ; person who can't truly blend in because i was shy & quiet & i choose the right moment for me to step in to communicate & i decide what to do unless i can't make decisions. When in school, i often wondered why i was there, why i was being made to say what i wasn't ready for? Why did my form teacher ruined my confidence infront of my classmates? Why did my teachers making fun of me? Why did my teachers make me lose my pride? Why? I wasn't good in Maths. I wasn't good in Science. I wasn't good in Geography. Practically I wasn't good in every subjects when i was in school. The only subject i was confident was Art. I wasn't good in Sports because teachers would always pick me to show the skills (e.g ; running) and i was afraid that i would be judge because i wasn't good enough.

*fast forward*

At this moment, my tears are starting to dry up. I kept thinking of those comments i see online, people passing by staring at me as if i was dropped down on space. I'm still conscious by how people see me in public. I hate to admit this, but i have to decline every offers my parents made when they asked me out. Truth is, i don't want to see anyone. I don't even want to step out. I am afraid of what public think of me. I am afraid of comments such as fat, ugly, imperfect. I hate to get stares that i do not wish to get. I hate to get people asking me, why do you have so many scars on your arm? Why do you aear jacket in hot weather? Why are you always wear black? I don't like to get this question. I'm very insecure & sensitive. Having to be put in a situation where people asked me this type of question is truly hurting me in the inside. I do not wish to have people asking me in public because people will start judging as i have scars on my arms which i carved with anger & pain. Black is my favorite colour as it represent dark for me. My world is dark. Nobody can find me. That is how my world is. I am trying really hard to be better, living up to everyone expectation & hoping that everyone will shut their bloody mouth for once but nope. Instead i get more. So why not try put yourselves in my shoe & feel how i feel if i asked you everyday why are you so talkative & embarrassed you infront of your friends or in public? Will that hurt you & your pride? Will that removes your confidence totally? Feel that feeling before you start to open your mouth.

I'm tired of living up to people's expectation, faking a smile & saying i'm fine when i'm not. Having the fucking urge to self harm everyday but put on a fake fucking smile to pleased everyone. That's me. The true me. What you see, a smiley girl with green hair talking to her friends, that's not me. That's just a shadow of a me which i put on everyday but behind it, did you even ever asked how she truly feels & what she truly wanted? Have you?