A Gay Youth Confession

I am sure that i have posted about my sexuality in my past post which you can find them in 2016's collections. I've decided to do a different kind of topic today and it's about How does being Homosexual affects my life & How does it has changes my mindset? I know that, that a lot of you are trying to wonder how i lived in a country that aren't ready for homosexual marriages or even homosexual activities and etc. I lived in a country, small country called Singapore and our representative for our country is called Merlion just like the Eiffel Tower which represents Paris and Great Wall of China represents China. Homosexual in Singapore is some sort of a Taboo subject matters and some says it may get you into a serious crime act. Not many legal homosexual activities can be carried out in Singapore due to some of these reasons ;

Religion : Muslims and Christians are highly disapprove of the relationships between homosexuals and it is said that it was the biggest sin to be carried out.

Conservative - mindset : Every country always have an older generations that comes from 1900s-1980s and they have clearly states that marriages can only happen if both are married with the opposite gender ; male & female. The heir and the person to continue the family generation MUST be able to produced by the carrier ; in this case would be the female because females could carries baby for exactly 9 months and in older generation, they used to believe that babies are ONLY able to be produced by females and in families, they are only one father and mother. It's horrible to be honest. In Singapore, it isn't easy to get married legally if you are homosexual. If you are lucky enough, that's good but if you aren't, i would suggest you emptied your bank account to fly to USA to get married. The chances of you to get married here in Singapore is very rare - and possibilities of it would be 0.01% and it's totally unpredictable if you would succeed. Having to perform sexual acts between same-sex genders in publics would get you arrested and get jailed (when you are in Singapore). It is said that the society in Singapore would care less about what you wanna do but doing the extremes acts by performing sexual acts in public when you are gays or lesbians, trouble is coming for you - especially if you are gays. Don't believe? Look here. This is the recent and updated list of laws in Singapore if you happen to come and visit, do hereby look at this ; click me please.

Many of gays and lesbians couples together with transgender couples have experienced "different" treatment from others because the society felt that they aren't pure. Some were bullied, some were humiliated, some were critisized and some were treated like trash. It's hurtful for me because i, myself know how it feels like as i have been through that same kind of treatment but having to hear and see them getting this harsh treatments by other societies really breaks my heart especially when we tried to fight for our rights, it was rejected because of the differences that wasn't allowed in Singapore. We do have a community in Singapore where LGBTs would gather around and celebrate. It's part of our pride and it's called PinkDot Sg - relatively wide known non-profit organization for it's pride as about 20,000 people attended the event in 2010 and the amount of people keeps increasing every year that it is wide known in Singapore! (How i wish i could attend next year's event)

And if one day, someone asked me what i truly wants for a change in Singapore, i would truly asked for that Singaporeans who are gay, lesbian, transgender, bisexual, queer, genderfluid, non-binary and so forth (those that are related in LGBTs) to be truly accepted in terms of religions and gender. I want that the acceptances of us (us refers to Me and to those who are LGBTQs) to be able to get married legally, able to adopt children and able to have opportunities like opposite-gender marriages. We just want to be like other couples. We want to be able to create a family, we want to build happiness, we want to create love for the people around us. That's is what we want. We want our equal rights, we want the rights that wasn't imply on us, we want to go to school or work like a normal person. Able to say hi and smile and laugh. That is just what we wished for.

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Now to my own story of how being Gay affects my life. I probably doesn't know much about LGBTQs topics or related matters until i was about 13 or so? I knew i was different because it happens in school and i was attracted to my friend who is a year older and i briefly told her that i was attracted to her and i want her to be my long time girlfriend. I confessed my feelings to her and it was the great experience having to be attached with the one that i was attracted to. We dated for a year and half and i thought it was easy but it was not as we fought a lot on the phone. We broke up and get back together lots of times until i totally shut her off saying that this can't work out - i can't continue living like this especially when we fought all the time, it won't bring happiness so we broke up and from there i started to know that i wasn't straight at all. I started to begin my life as a normal student and going to school and also do have sometimes crushes between me and my friends who may not know that i was attracted to them? It's horrible!

Fast forward to when i was 14 (that's when i was diagnosed with mental illness) and everything just grumples down. It's all different. I can barely even lasted a relationship not more than 6 months and it just ended like a flash. I started to feel more worse especially not my family knowing i was gay and i have crush with a girl who is 5 years older than me. My whole family doesn't know i wasn't straight and some of my friends knew and they accepted me as who i am but having to be in a society when people consider LGBTQs as a taboo is terrifying. It's hard for me to have a girlfriend because i believe that many lesbians out there won't be attracted to me as i was not pretty. This may also applies to guys too. It's also not an issue but a huge issue for me as i need to think on how am i supposed to be living because i can't forever lying! I want a life of myself where i am being true and not fake - i want a life where i can be honest with myself, i don't have to lie about my sexuality when i meet guys or someone if my parents happen to set me up for a date. I want a life where i can love a woman who will love me as how much she loves her parents. I want to get married to a woman and she would be a mother to my children. I want a life where i won't have to lie to my family about my sexual orientation and i want them to accept my wife. That is what the lifes that i wanted but i know that, this all would only happens in imagination. It is never gonna happen - even in this not-so conservative country.

Having to see a same-sex gender couples on Instagram make me sad each time because they looked so happy together and having met for a long time and having to be in relationship for a long time. It's truly a happiness. It made me feel that, only that can make me feel the true happiness. They went for a honeymoon, they got married and they got a life like how a married couple are. It makes me feel that people here are just being unacceptable towards us.

Not only that issue affects me but it also affects my whole mindset about people too. I began to feel that people are just being unrealistic about this LGBTQs and thinking that they are some sort of bacteria that flies from one country and another and believing that if we performed a sexual acts on same sex gender, we might die from AIDs or HIVs but i don't think that AIDs or HIVs are caused by LGBTs. Even people who are not gays or lesbians, they may also get AIDs or HIVs too so why must put the whole blame on us? We just wanna lived like a normal person. Being gay to me is part of my life. Being gay makes me change my mindset about others. Being gay make me feel the true happiness. Gay is part of my life and i will never get back down against my own LGBTs communities. It also helps me to change my mindset that somehow not only LGBTs make mistakes when in relationship but it can also happen to straight couples. Everyone make mistakes. And how do i feel when i am gay? I feel great. I feel that this is who i am. And i don't regret when i said this, i am Gay and i am proud to be  in LGBT community and i am not ashamed to be Gay. Fight for what is your right. Go for it. Don't be ashamed cause i am not, are you?

To be continued.......

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