Too Much Problem that isn't a Problem?

This is rather a long rant that i am going to put this up on my blog. Most of the rant probably will be the boring rant that you have ever read but i felt that right now, i feel so suffocated and feel really worse that i could lose my mind. And when i said that, it meant true. I won't go against the words that i am gonna say. Before i go deep into what i am going to say, i would want to clarify things that things i am going to say is that may offend some of you and may offend people who are reading this but i am gonna make this clear that all the topic said does not relates to you or any circumstances.

I know that i am a blogger with no fame and no one will get inspired by what i wrote on my blog. I know that i am not a public figure neither a person who will lead the new generation with all my blog post that might triggers youngsters and adults these days. I opened up a blog not for me to gain fame or anything but it is for me to express how i felt during my hard days and my hard moments. I just wanna say that i have finally given up to become someone who is going up against my own mental illness. What i meant was something that relates to my illness which could be threatening and severe because of me, myself. The person who suffers from this. I took this chance to explain briefly on what happened since my last post update about my mental health on 4th of April. All i know that what i am saying right now is based on how i felt throughout the whole entire week (not years or months). This wasn't typed as planned but more to briefly shocking confession rather than planning like how other bloggers and my past posts which i planned when to updated and posted up to my web.

My depression is finally up to the stage where i could somehow sometimes manage on myself without medication. I remembered that i was last in hospital at 21st Feb and now it's May, and to be exact it's been 3 months since my last admittion and i do remembered that my in-patient Doctor told me to take my medication regularly and i just nodded instead of just replied, "Yes". And let me tell you the reason why i skip my medication and what are the consequences that i have to pay when i did not take my medication as per-told. I remembered that i skip my medication because i was mad at myself. For two weeks i was out without my medication. I never take ANY single pill at all. I never touch my medication box. I lied to my parents that i took but i did not. I came to work like a zombie. Barely had enough sleep, my eyebags started to become worse. I've grown another monster in me. I wasn't myself. In those two weeks, my mind was not in the right place. I tend to think of things that are barely acceptable as humans. I remembered thinking about jumping off from the highest building i could find in Singapore or probably do something worse. I have no idea how i manage to withstand two weeks and there got one point where i couldn't stand it anymore that i told my mom, "Mom, i need to go to the hospital. I can't do this anymore." My mom was hesitant at first cause she was like, "Why do you need to go?" But after i keep urging her and told her off, she brought me to the hospital the next day and that's how it goes. My depression case was the worst. I meant, even when i looked totally fine from the outside but i feel really depressed and i am not fine almost everyday even if it is the day that made me happy, i wouldn't say that i was happy and not depressed. Everyday and everynight, i have my battles with every different monsters and demons that are lingering around my head and around me.

My insomnia has taken a big step and huge impact in my life that it made me feel very worse the next day. It's like me working extra hours at night and truly isn't amazing to have this problem forever. I have searched up to many different help to regards of insomnia. I have asked professional helps but all answers were given to me was ; You need to consult a psychiatrist. Well, let me give you an answer to this really ridiculous answer. I have a psychiatrist and she was certified. She gave me a prescribed medication and i told her about my insomnia but she gave me a sleeping pill and still, i don't find it work. I don't want to spend my entire life depending on sleeping pills to sleeps. I don't want to spend my entire life sitting while trying to sleep and woken up by my mother to make me sleep properly. It's terrible habit to be honest - i have to snuggle with my big huge teddy bear, i have to apply aromatherapy oil on my head and under my neck and also i have avoid coffee and also i have lessen my time on my phone to make me sleep properly but it all goes down the drain!

I need help but help is somewhere far. I wanted to avoid having to consumed sleeping pills all the time because i have depended on it for a year due to my insomnia and i want to make it stop as soon as possible. I want to lead a normal life. I don't want to always consumed sleeping pill. It won't solved the problem. My anxiety and panic attack is almost similar in all situation, therefore i'll sum up the story so it'll be easier. I have this so called social phobia since i was 14 - i started to develop because of my fear of being falsely accused and judge. I would start to panic if i said something wrong or stupid so i tends to keep my mouth shut. It's really hard for me to explain how social phobia or anxiety and panic attacks feels like unless you've gone through one before. It's the worse feeling in your lifes and i could guarantee you. Like i said above, i do not always want to depend on medication like sleeping pills to make me sleep and having to depend on anxiety pills to ward off my anxiety is the worse experience ever. I felt really stucked and down right now because i feel that i have no choice but to gulp down the pills in order to get better. (I mean i know i need to eat my medication but thinking off having to eat them forever is so upsetting!). I'm really pissed off with myself that i wasn't being alright or trying my best but i have been trying to get up on my feet with both of my own legs but i always failed.

People thought that by taking medication or presecribed drugs is the answer and key to every mental health problems but the truth behind is that, IT IS NOT AN ANSWER AND SOLUTION for this whole thing. I do not want to spend my whole entire time to take this medications for life and having to depend on it and feeling so addicted to it that i can never be part of it is not what i want and i believe that every mental health sufferrers have gone through this and i also believe that this is what they want too. I am not the only one. 3 days of me trying to catch up with things that is happening around me and it's freaking though and am going through a tough time. I feel the need to express my emotions therefore if you feel like i am to exaggrate about my matter to much here, please leave. I do not need your comments because that is not what i want, you may leave this site and go on your own way. I am fine with it, but don't put more salt into the fire.