Disappointment of Genderless Person
▪ current song playing : Beautiful Chinese Music : Silent Winds - Thoughts of Home & Beautiful Chinese Music : To End of Love (Sad Bamboo Flute Instrumental) ▪
○
First of all, i would like to apologised for not posting much these month due to the fact that my exams are coming, i have more debts on my shoulder that i need to settle, i have taken up different types of job in order to settle my debts, settle out any circumstances of problems in my way - which is why i rarely do update my blog. Thank you for keeping up with my blog/post despite that i rarely put up :( . Okay, so if you have read the title, i bet you are wondering why it says like that and every post i posted has a reason behind it. I just feel the need to post this whether it be a rant or not or be it a topic of the day but for me, i feel like i need to let it out from my heart or get things out from my mind in order for me to understand myself - which truly explains why this blog exist (even when the opposition from my family and their disagreements regarding about the post i made). Back in 2011, i had my first kiss with a girl ; my classmate who happens to be my best friend and later my girlfriend whom i dated for 2 years and half. Our relationship is somehow like a rollercoaster - it just goes up and down so i would say it's not a happy or abusive relationship but rather of both. And when i say abusive, it does not involves with me being violent or she being violent but more involvement on verbal abuse so we would hurt each other feelings (if you get what i meant). After dating her for 2 years and half, we broke off, she found herself another boyfriend whilst I'm forever loner.
In mid 2012 to 2013, i identify myself as a lesbian. I realised that i'm attracted to girls more than boys and i find that boys aren't my type. I did not come out as a lesbian but i kept this secret to myself and no one knew. It was horrible for me to keep a secret about my sexuality because firstly, my religion, my religion opposed to homosexuality, secondly because of my family ; my family is consists of conservative and half-conservative minded people therefore their religion knowledge is quite strong and they don't however accept homosexuality as we were brought up with religion knowledge besides general knowledge. So because of these, i had to keep this a secret and hiding the fact that i was attracted to girls. Then move on to 2014, is where i was diagnosed with Depression after having to bottled up all my problems from family issues, hiding my "true" self, afraid of society, afraid of the world ; i did not know that i have a problem and when i knew that i had been bottling this all up, it broke my heart and not only that, but broke my motivation to lived. I , then realised that i had been thinking of suicides even before having been diagnosed with Depression. So i was put into therapy with my former psychologist in KKH for nearly 1 year and half before i stopped seeing her due to the fact that she doesn't help much into helping me to cope with my problems but instead adding more pressure in them making me very uncomfortable. I stopped therapy for about 4 months before i had to go counselling at Family service centre as i had no one to talked to therefore it leave me no choice but to attend.
In 2015, it was a very bad year for me as that is where all things started to happen and it is very hard for me to cope especially since i am growing and everything changes and the society changes so it is hard for me even to understand the concept of being a teenager. I remembered that during early February, i told my mom that i want to quit school because i can't stand the pressure and my fear of being judged as useless and fear of being misplaced is so huge that it made me doubt my friendship with my friends in school, it basically ruined my secondary lifes that i really can't take it that i take that chance to leave school. My school teacher and everyone was surprised that i left school because my grades were okay, my attendance was not that bad, my behaviour was okay but it just made everyone puzzled why i wanted to leave school. My answer is still undetectable. I'm unable to find the answer to it myself even till now. All i could say is that i am afraid of people. I am afraid of crowds and i am unable to control myself when i'm surrounded by people and also when crowds are around me ; my reaction would be "Oh my god. i need help for goodness sake. I'm dying."
Because of that fear, pressure from everyone who told me that leaving school isn't a good choice and why do i need to leave school and etc, it made me went insane that i told my mom, I need to get myself admitted into IMH. People are pointing fingers at me just because i am leaving school and people just start to say how indecisive i am. I have been in and out from hospitals and IMH and i lost count how many admissions i have been and to be honest that i am not proud of being such a troublesome to my parents.
It does not affect my life only but also affect the whole thing. My school as in education, my relationship with people as in my point of view - like whether should you talk to a "weird and crazy" person like me? And about me finding a job as a part-time which is so hard. It's damn hard to find a job especially if you have mental history and with only basic education which is PSLE and no N's or O's level. (I am currently attending a private class for my N's, so fingers crossed and hopefully i could pass) because in Singapore, it's hard to find a job when you do not have a higher education as in like when you find a job in Singapore, it basically be a lower pay and living in Singapore is damn fucked up if you have lower pay and everywhere here is damn expensive. And i am talking about my future here and if God's will that i lived longer in a sense tht i won't do anything stupid, i gotta work hard in order to support myself since i'm more to being independent and i don't like being supported by others unless if i had to find some support for my education or my living expenses.
Next thing i want to talk about is how taboo the subject of LGBTQs when you are in Singapore or if you are a part of LGBTQs or if you are one of them, trust me, it's fucked up. The subject matter is more of a taboo because of not many supporters here in Singapore as the citizens are not so open minded due to the fact that of religious issues, some are homophobias and some may be okay but may not be okay of LGBTQ people to have marriage or children while living in Singapore because in studies, it said that man and woman are supposed to get married and bore a children in order for the next generation to continue (this is what they believe - which i cannot deny but to agree) however, can you stop love between same sex genders? Would you willing to stop your loved one who happen to love a same gender as him/her and see them suffer because they cannot be who they are? Would you willing to lose your loved one to suicide if you don't accept who they are?
In my own perspective, i believe that love is stronger than anything. Is it wrong for us to love someone who are or may not be the same gender? I am bisexual but before i was bisexual, i was a lesbian before i completely identify myself as bisexual in 2015. Being a bisexual in my case is a bit tough ; because of my parents perspective, my family perspective therefore i couldn't be more free but have to really be a closeted bisexual even though my heart desperately says, "You need to become who you are." I just feel that being straight for me is not who i am and i feel that i have been lying to my body and myself. I wasn't happy and I wasn't okay. I then soon started to identify myself as "genderless" ; meaning i don't identify myself as a female or male. I am not a transgender. I believed that every human was born with two genders before eventually commit to one gender. So if people asked me what is my gender or who should they called me, i would say just call me either one ; it doesn't matter if you wanna call me a she or a he. I am ssying this not because i was mad at the society right now but i am speaking out what's in my mind because these things have been bothering me ever since and i felt that i should let this out if i am unhappy or feel stressed about because this is why my blog is for.
○
Clarification is that i am NOT transgender. I am bisexual and genderless. I support LGBTQs and respected them ever since i knew/discovered them in 2012. I do not oppose or hate the governments. I am just stating my opinion and if i offend anybody, i apologise.
○
《Please Call Me by this names if you are...》
• Japanese Speakers : Please call me Sora Yuu
• Korean Speakers : Please call me Han-eul
• English Speakers : Please call me Skylar
• Thailand Speakers : Please call me Ampawn Dauenphen
Only use for contact purposes OR sponsership purposes only!
○
《Where to Find Me》
Instagram : @joker.skylar
Ranting Instagram : @seaweed.w (HIGHLY TRIGGERING ; follow only if you can take up with my shits :'/ ).