Suicide Thoughts
before i get furthur more into this controversial topic, i would just want to give a warning that at this moment when i was typing this down, i wasn't feeling too good in regards of mental health being and even if i were to reverse back the time, i won't change my words and neither i would take back what i am going to say/to be posted.
i don't like when people questioned me if i were suicidal or depressed - as i believed that ; there will be a certain appropriate time you could ask me if i was alright. lots of problems and hardships are keeping falling onto my shoulders as i tried to buckle up and get back on my two legs to walk on but yet i was pushed back by force and it won't let me continue my journey. what i am trying to point out is that i do not wish to be negative neither i chose to be negative. when i was low in the mood or my mood changes, the people around me thought i wish to be that way - and in fact to be honest, i do not wish to be so as i hated that way. i hated it when i'm low and people are afraid to come near me, why? because they are afraid to talk or speak to me because mainly first thing, i was depressed and in a sense that ; that they do not wish to hurt me with words that i'm sensitive.
i told myself that i have to be positive because people had looked at me in a different way ; as in some of them looked at me like i am not normal in the head - in a matter of fact, i would never denied that as i believe i am reluctantly stupid, idiot and more importantly useless. so i know that i can never be put on a good use actually. the thought of it is killing me. emotionally and physically. i wasn't able to think straight when i encountered with those thoughts and feelings. it's like my mind is being controlled - and yet my body is controlled by me. there are many times i have made plans onto my book and sketching some ideas on how i want to make it fast but each time i drew or plan, i'll burn it off - i seems to hate the idea of it and yet i was thinking about it, does it make sense? the thoughts would just come naturally and it doesn't have a time. it may come when i am at the happiest moment or even when i am at the worst. it's really hard to predict when. even i myself wasn't used to this shit.. i wish it would just won't even appear in the first place and i won't have to suffer like this at all.
wonder how the thoughts is like to me? TERRIFYING, CRUEL, CREEPY. it haunts me - not once but it'll lasted till weeks or even months. it won't make me go to sleep, eat properly and it make me exhausted from trying to fight and fight. having to eat my antidepressants and not missing them won't help cause it only help to fight with my mood but not the help i needed. everybody thought that just by taking antidepressants and prescribed pills for mental illness would make "it" go away but the truth is, it will not.
having to deal with mood swings really fucked up - it's not getting better no matter how many times i have been trying to fix it with or without medications. having to deal with insomnia for weeks - could really brought up to some fucking ignorant switch *laughs*. having to deal with the temptation to slash off my hands (?)
it really bothers me that everytime i think about this, all i could say was just,
"don't bother saving me."