Midnight DEPRESSING Thoughts
I bet everyone has been wondering what does my mind works during midnight and during those times where i am really low - in terms of mood. I am not trying to say that my mental health condition is worse than the others. All i am trying to say is that everyone is exceptional. Everyone ; who go through mental illness is having a hard time. And i am sure this is what that they have been going through too. I am not the only one.
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My depression state is getting worse ; meaning that i could not control my mind anymore as in like if my suicidal thoughts comes and the thoughts of negativity is just like flowing in my mind. I can't do anything to even have them ; be away from me. It's like they are "timed" to come on those periods and it's frustrating. My insomnia is getting worse in fact and i wasn't really okay. I have a very sleepless nights. I would always wake up very tired and very unproductive to do my things or even complete my task. There are certains days where i wasn't myself. I would always talk to myself whenever i am alone and i had this sense of out of control - i do feel like murdering someone in particular. And that someone isn't just a random stranger but more of a person who ruined my childhood time. And in a sense is that i feel i am a dangerous person where ever i go. I feel different. I just want to go back to my room, locked myself and won't come out. I do not wish to harm anybody. (I am not saying that i will turn into a psychopath or something but i am taking an extreme measures because i have been hurting myself lately and i do not wish it to happen to anyone close to me).
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Mental illness is not something that can be played with. It's a serious matter. It does not only affect your physical and emotional being but also affect the people around you. When i found out that i have depression and all sorts of mental illness, it affect my parents so much. They've taken measures such as protective over me, worried that i'll have a relapse and etc. It happens. Relapse happens. Nothing gonna change. Even if i wish it won't happen, still i would have relapse in 3 years time.
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People wouldn't understand even if you told them what is the meaning of depression, insomnia, social anxiety, panic disorder, personality disorder, anxiety and what triggers them. They would often says that ;
- IT CAN BE CURED (cannot guarantee it will be cured. I have it for 3 years and the symptoms seems to be increasing - not decreasing)
- IT'LL HAPPEN ONCE (like i said, it does NOT happen once. It's a lifetime disorder. Once you are diagnoise with it, that's it. You will have it forever ; which we, sufferers called it, RELAPSE)
- BE POSITIVE (let me ask you this question, how the fuck you want us to be positive when we are fucking emotionally down and in desparate situation? Relapse could last not one day but weeks or even months depend on the sufferer's condition. My relapse could last for months and it ain't easy! My parents gotta deal with my bullshits till i request to go mental institution cause i fucked up.)
Stop telling us ALL this as if you have been in our shoes. Stop telling us that you know how it feels cause you have no fucking idea how we stayed up till 4am crying, wetting our bedsheet with endless tears and with pills and razors at the side and wishing that life would end on the spot? Have you ever been through at the state of point where we would lool at the ceiling ; wondering what is our imperfections or what did we do wrong? We would stay up just to correct what we did wrong and constantly saying that we aren't worth it? Have you ever been in a state where we would look at the pills and razor and hoping that it will kill us instantly and hoping that everything would stop? Have you ever been in a state where you hope that the bullies or the people who hurt you so deeply would beg down on their knees asking for forgiveness for their mistakes they did to you?
The answer is No. YOU HAVE NEVER BEEN THROUGH WHAT WE, sufferers, HAVE BEEN. WE KNOW HOW PAINFUL, TRAUMATIZING, FRIGHTENING IT IS. THE PAIN - IT'S LIKE SOMEHOW SOMEONE JUST STAB YOU WITH A KNIFE ENDLESSLY, COUNTLESSLY.
STOP BEING A FAKE "angel" TRYING TO SAVE US WHEN YOU DO NOT KNOW HOW IT FEELS.