Lost of a Dear one

This post is very hard for me to type because i have lost someone who has made an impact in my life since i got to know this person from Instagram. I would say that we both never met and we aren't close, however i have been her loyal fan since she started posting about fashion, mental illness and etc. It all came to an end when she made a choice to end her life on 1st of October 2017. And this post was made to dedicate to her, to show to everyone how important she had made the impact onto me.

It all started with my diagnosis with mental illness - it never goes to an end. I would always have an endless battle with myself every night screaming for help - silent scream almost every night and every day. It's like a ever ending cycle. I would constantly hurt the people around me. Hurt the people not as physical but more of using words than actions. Cut to the point of why i am creating this post, not to spread that suicide is good choice and etc. I know it's a restrictive word that not only applies to my religion but to other religion as well that suicide isn't the answer to everything and it wouldn't solved your problem. I understand fully. However if a person is going through a hard time, is it the time for you to talk about religion or laws to that person if he/she needs a desperate help from professionals? It is not the right moment for everyone to speak about religion when he/she is suicidal and depressed. What i am trying to convey here is that, they need help from us - to be physically there and be someone who is able to listen to them.

As from what i know, there's no such person that can able to do this. I can't control what they said. The first word that come out from their mouth is, "Think about religion." They won't say about something like isn't related to religion. The reason why i am saying this is because i have been through that path where i really need someone to talk to and someone that can comfort and consoled me but what i get was that is someone said those to me and scolded me for being depressed and suicidal. And because of that issue/event, i completely didn't trust anyone, i don't open up to them anymore. I kept almost everything to myself. I find that talking to people won't help me and people can be scary at times. I kept to myself for quite a while that i finally can't take it anymore that i "exploded". (Exploded in a sense that i have been kept to myself for quite a while - i stopped sharing what has been going on in my life with my psychiatrist, my psychologist and also i stopped seeing people who are supposed to help). I just stopped completely.

Back then i was admitted again in IMH and i spend for nearly a week plus? And i remember having to see the doctor everyday every morning and also the psychologist. It was like - i don't know how am i supposed to describe the feeling and having to cry each sessions with them. It's painful. It's not something i would be able to bear. Just having to see their faces, my hands is overwhelm with anger that i felt so angry and instead of yelling or making chaos in the ward itself, my tears just couldn't stop. I told myself, "why must i trust them when they weren't there for me or for the people like me? Why must we suffer in loneliness? They said to us themselves that they are here for us but they aren't. They weren't there when we needed them the most."

Many of you would disagree with me for what i said to myself but this is just my opinion. Yes, the hospitality for mental illness in Singapore is a bit of 50-50? Some of the citizens here aren't fully aware of how dangerous mental illness such as depression, schizophrenia and many else can manipulate your minds and health. And sadly, i was affected among them. My friends who i made in the ward are affected. I am not sure how does the hospitality in other countries worked but for Singapore, you would have endless appointments and checkups and increased/decreased of medications. For me, i hope that i am able to wakeup without having to depend on the medications and having endless nightmares and also insomnia because of the mental illness. I would say that I AM NOT THE ONLY PERSON WHO IS AFFECTED but THOUSANDS AND BILLIONS OF PEOPLE ARE AFFECTED judging by how many people took their own lifes because nobody understand? Nobody understand how overwhelming this shit tooks.

Please click the link : 1st Link. (Scroll down from the first country all the way. See how many people took their own lifes judging by the percentage calculated by the professionals).

This shit gonna stop. We need to change, people. We cannot afford to lose another person or lifes because of mental illness. Because of this, i have lost someone who made a huge impact and change in my life and in fact i am still shock over her sudden death. I told myself that it isn't true. She's gonna come back. She'll be safe, but no. It wasn't like that. She's just gone. She may not know me and we've never met at all except that i have once emailed her for some enquiries and that was it. Losing someone over sickness like cancer or something that isn't related to mental illness, the pain isn't the same. But losing someone over a suicide is horrible. It's painful and it's something that could make you regret till the end of your life. Yes, people can say that they understood the situation that we are in but in fact, do they understand how terrible it is to be stuck in that situation for years or maybe forever?

No. No one understand. No one understand what we are going through ; not able to understand why and can just simply use their own fucking mouth to just judge us based on what is happening or judge us based on the situation we are in ; for example like we self harm because we want to get people's attention or we did something that angers everyone. I self-harm not because of getting people's attention. Every sufferers did it not to gain people's attention but we are voicing out to everyone that we just want them to at least care/notice and FOR ONCE, they'll able to help us instead of judging when they do not know what the full story. I remembered when i was on Facebook, she made a Live video where she shared how everyone treats her differently because her perspective on thoughts is completely different from the people around her. She

And also that is the reason why i created this blog to tell you guys that mental illness is real and it's not something we can lie/joke about. Now the society has changed. The time is not like in the past where medical resources are advanced as now. How many more lifes you want the world to lose? 100? 1000? Millions? I wouldn't want to lose more. I have lost the one that made a great impact on me, lost my friend. I can't bear to lose more. And yes, truly, i missed her so much. I miss her post on crazy fashions. I miss her post on mental illness on her personal instagram account. I bet i can't bring her back.

÷

Plaastic,

I have been wanting to say this to you ever since i got to know about you through my friend. You were such a great person, i knew. Even though we never met in real life or even chatted, but deep in my heart, i know you are kind, nice and also loving but because of the fucked up society, makes you become cold and distant towards everyone. I am sorry about what your ex-husband did to you. I am sorry about the bastards who assaulted you leaving you bruised up. I am sorry about the haters who leave bad comments and threatening those who supported you fully. I am sorry that you had to go through lots of shits. You felt that you lost everything. You left the world, leaving those who had made a changes after you have impacted onto them. You leave those who made collaborations with you. You leave those who are your true loyal friends. I am sorry that no one understand what you are going through. I am sorry that you had to go bullshit and ended up you cannot bear it anymore than you left us.

I miss you, Plaastic. Knowing about what is happening scares me and upsets me. I am sorry that i am not able to be there for you as a fan to hear what you are going through. All of us miss you and we hope to get you back here, designing new clothes and also fashions. We missed you. I miss you.

- Skylar

÷

Some of the screenshots of her last post before she took her own life. Been've confirmed by her two trusted friends.