How Depression Feels Like
*for better understanding of what is Depression, please click here or here.
Depression. Hell. Horror. Fear. This is what i used to call this uncontrollable mental illness as. I used the term DHHF as it is the thing that has completely changed my life ever since. My whole entire childhood, teenage years all has changed and been destroyed by this mental illness. It is not something that i am proud of for having ever since. (Got diagnosed since i was 13 and am turning 17 next year). It is not an easy challenge especially if you are stuck in a situation where you are trapped to one manhole and you have to used every ounce of energy left in your body to fight against depression and ended up back in the same manhole.
Having a depression ; is completely different from having a severe physical illness. It is not something that once you a treated, you are completely free from it, no. That is not how depression works or even in recovery cycle. Once you are diagnosed with it, that diagnosed stamp will never go away from your life. Forever.
How does relapse feels like, based in my opinion? Well relapses feels like i'm drowning. It's like i'm struggling to stay afloat but instead i'm slowly drowning deep down even more than 50ft? And with no one to save me. There's also one point where i hid a breakthrough of relapse that i stayed in bed for 3 days and not wanting to go to school. I'm just like avoiding everyone ; i shut everyone down because i don't feel okay. Mentally okay. And also at one point of the relapses, i have experiences of hallucinations and suicidal thoughts. And yes, self-harming and pills abuse is what i would do to ease my anger and frustrations towards the pain that i am experiencing which no one understand. The relapse cycle would take more than 1 week and in fact months. The longest relapse i've had is 3 months? Everyone is different, to be honest, i am not sure for others but this is how and what i'll experience when i have relapses going on. Weight gain, yes. Weight loss, yes. Binging, yes. Purging, yes. Starvation, yes. All of the symptoms you've named it, i've experience it all.
Depression is like you are being shadowed. You have no access gain to freedom, happiness, love and sense of safety. You completely lost everything. That is how depression is like. Depression took my childhood. It took all of the memories that i've treasured for the past years and turn it into trauma. And in fact yes i am still struggling to be happy, to be positive and to stand tall, and in matters of how people view of me, i can't change their words or their thoughts cause it's beyond of my control. People see me as a strong person, who looks happy in real life and in photos but deep inside of me i was broken. People didn't see that and instead they use whatever they can to bring me down ; and honestly i was disappointed with myself that i was affected with what they did to me to bring me down and yeah, it happens.
What more can depression does to you?
• Took away your happiness
• Took away your childhood memory
• Took away your freedom
• Took away your life
• Overwhelming stresses
• Suicidal thoughts
• Took away your family ; in terms of changing the relationship between yourself and your family
• Took away your everyday life
• Insomnia
• Addiction ; drug , alcohol etc.
Actually there is more to the list of what depression can does to you but like i said, everyone is different. Majority may experience what i have listed but some may not. Depression can do many things that truly destroy our lifes. You named it.
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