Rest in Peace Kim Jonghyun
* this post is written on 19th of December 2017. please do not bash or make a joke about suicide or someone's death. mental illness/disorder is a SERIOUS matter. do not take this as a joke. *
on this date, 18th of December, wasn't a good day for me and many other kpop fans and Shawols as we have lost a beautiful angel, Kim Jonghyun to an apparent suicide. i wouldn't say "an apparent" but somehow that is how the news was released. as a Shawol myself, this news is heartbreaking as i loved SHINee ever since they debuted in 2008. however yesterday wasn't a day that i expected it to happen or wish it wouldn't happen. this basically happened whilst i was at work when i literally check my instagram when a news popped up in my notification panel ; it says that SHINee Jonghyun was brought to the hospital and ..... i'm like WHAT?! this cannot be real.
and when i searched it up online, lots of websites and even my (country based) website states that he was found lost conscious at his apartment and they brought him to the hospital where he was pronounced dead. at first i did not wish to believe such news because now-adays people like to bring up stories that isn't real, so i thought that it wasn't true until i checked my friend's IG story, my cousin's and even people close to me, i was stunned. i'm speechless. and when i waited for a while if there is more news about him or anything that says the news is fake or whatsoever but sadly, no. i waited for SM to release their official statements because he is under SM entertainment and it's right that his agency revealed the statements rather than believe what i see/read online. when SM released their statements, i cannot say much. it was true. he's gone.
SHINee Jonghyun's sister revealed to the press that he send her a goodbye text before he died, saying that, It's been hard up till now. Send me off please. Tell everyone i've suffered. This is my last greeting. she knew that something was wrong so she called the police and they went to his apartment. they have to force open his door (click this to view how they had to force open his apartment door) to enter, sadly they found him laying unconscious ando they found a frying pan with a burned coal briquettes upon arriving. the investigators also revealed that he died while inhaling toxic fumes (carbon monoxide poisoning).
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what i am trying to relay is that mental illness is real. it isn't fake neither is called "attention seeking". yes, mental illness can never be seen neither can be treated with two eyes. the struggle is real and it is not something that we should ignore. he suffered insomnia and anxiety while pursuing his career as an idol, a singer and also songwriter. behind those faces that we see onscreen, on stage and music videos, do we see him ask for help, do we see him cry or do we see him struggle in life? no. we didn't took the chance to even ask him or even commented on his photos (on IG) if he is mentally okay? all we care about is when will his solo MV be out or when will he make his solo tour or when will SHINee make a comeback or when will SHINee come to make a tour or when will his turn be on popular variety shows? all we care about is when! and if it was cancelled, some of us would rant out on SMTOWN ig page about why they cancel or whatsoever but we didn't even care about their mental health being!
i am pretty sure that the decision he made right now is REALLY HARD because it is not easy as i, myself, who have been struggling with many different types of mental illness (and yes, i am being treated with professional help), understand why he chose this way and why he does. and even if you going to ask me to explain, i can never explain them in words because no one can understand the pain that he is going through for the past 9 years (plus the years that he has been in the agency as a trainee before debut). yes i know that when you enter an entertainment career, you will faced mental health and health issues, however i am pretty upset at how the agency (not SM agency itself but for many entertainment agency in South Korea together with other entertainment agency all around the world) did not provide such treatment for the artists to cope with all this.
having an Insomnia is not something that can be ignored neither can it be left untreated. i suffered insomnia for 4 years and have to depend on sleeping pills in order for me to sleep, just like Jonghyun. and having the struggle to stay fully awake is not something i should be proud off. it's tragic, disaster. i have to tossed and turned just to find a suitable sleeping position to sleep and ended up i slept whilst sitting down having a fan to face me because i find that, that is the suitable position for me. but of course it didn't last long till my mom/dad woke me up to lay on my bed and BOOM, i cannot go back to sleep. this has been going on for years and now, i just gave up on medications (ALL OF IT) because i just don't see the point. i suffered anxiety 4 years ago and i cannot really describe how anxiety is because for me, anxiety is like having too much worries and i feel that every problem cannot be solved and it is still ongoing, but i am not sure or neither that i know how it is for Jonghyun. i am NOT in the right position to say/judge his mental illness but what i am trying to say is that what he gone through is somewhat exactly the same as what i am going through.
he has to depend on sleeping medications to sleep (how i know? click this video to find out!) and i am not entirely 100% sure if he has to depend on any pills to help with his anxiety. yes he revealed that he received a professional treatment but somewhat i believed that it isn't only him should received a treatment but for other artists as well. i am not trying to say that he isn't allowed or not eligible to received treatment but i believed that they should have notice earlier, that he was struggling ; to lived. i am not sure when did he received such signs that he is struggling emotionally but in my opinion, he has been struggling for quite a long time but sadly it was discovered at such a late point, and even with professional help and medications, it didn't help in any way. why did i say that? because i know. i know how late my mental illness was discovered by the professionals and how late it is for me to receive treatments. and i believe that it is goes the same for him which is why he say to his friend that "it didn't help him, at all." (it is stated in the video. please watch.)
i am IN NO POSITION to blame him for choosing this way because i fully understand his pain, his struggle. he cannot fully express how he feel because of his career, he cannot fully show his true feelings because he is an idol. he cannot let out what is inside his heart because he fears of what people would say about him, this is of course has been in his mind all the time. he thought of a way that he can let go of his pain and the answer is, death.
why i said that i understood him is because i was in his position, not once but a lot of times. having been in that position and trying to be positive is a NEVER EASY task. it's like you are in the middle of nowhere and stuck with something that you are afraid of and you are given an option to choose between saving your own life or your loved ones, which one will you choose? that is how hard it is! just like Life and Death. choosing between living and dying is somewhat similar to the situation i have listed. yes, many people (non-Kpop) fans would blame him for choosing the "easy way" out but that is their opinion.
in my opinion, i feel that he's really somewhat stuck in one corner and he has given no option but to choose what we name it, suicide. the word suicide is still taboo not only in South Korea but in all over the world. it's a sensitive word ; and i do not wish to use it here but i have no better word to describe it.
we may lose him but someone just lost a brother, a son. SM lost a talented artist, with good looks and voice, SHINee lost a member and a brother to his hyung and maknaes, SMTOWN lost their sunbaes. he may be not here with us but his legacy will truly runs in our blood :( .
stay strong my dear SHAWOLS ♡.
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to Kim Jonghyun ;
thank you for everything. thank you for showing me the real meaning of music, the real meaning of happiness. thank you for existing in my life for the past 9 years in my life ever since i discovered you. i am proud of you that you have come a long way ; thus till this far and show us, the Shawols how amazing music can change our entire life. thank you for sharing your life in your every piece of music. i hope that every burden, every pain in your heart/life is finally lifted. please rest comfortably and watch over SHINee and Shawols up there.
i will always love you and have you in my heart ♡.
-Skylar.
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for those who gonna read this, i bet you all would bash me because i wrote something that isn't supposed to be shared or whatsoever but what i want to share is what i want to say for such a long time and i hope that people would read and spread this mental illness awareness. i am just upset over the fact that mental illness is still not being educated in many parts of the world including my country. it is still not being used as a topic/subject in every school. the subject of it is not being treated seriously.
this year, i lost my dear friend on the 1st of October. 3 years ago, we lost Robin Williams on 11th of August. then this year, we lost Chester Bennington on the 20th of July.. and now we recently lost Kim Jonghyun.
how many more lives must we lost to the same issue ; which is mental illness? we must let the whole world know that mental illness is not something that we should take on lightly! prevent more such things to happened so that more lifes can be saved.
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Rest In Peace
Kim Jonghyun
8 April 1990 - 18 December 2017