Will I Fall in Love Again?

i cannot love someone else again. i am just paranoid thinking about it. it's something that is too much for me at the moment that i am scared of falling in love. it's gotta to do with all of my failed relationships, all doesn't work out because of me in the first place and somehow it makes me loses confidence and i feel quite stupid and dumb to even start a relationship with someone else when i cannot save my own previous relationship.

people think that being in relationship is easy. honestly, it wasn't. it was a turmoil. everything you see in a relationship, isn't like the fairytale, where you would expected such happy endings like Cinderalla got her happy ending by marrying a Prince. Belle got her happy ending after giving a first true kiss to a Beast, who onced a cruel and cold-hearted Prince. Ariel got her happy ending by marrying a Prince, who is not a mermaid like her.

what you watch on the TV in the past where they would show you this "happy endings" where a girl would be with a boy she truly loves? what i am trying to say is that, ALL relationship isn't like what you see on Disney or any animated films. when i got my first boyfriend, i thought that it'll be it however things isn't going to well. it was a disaster, not knowing what is what. believe me, i was young back then. but as i grew older, my mindset and view of relationship has changed. i never thought relationship was easy after then. i thought of it as a huge major obstacle. i never view relationship as part of happiness, instead i view it as a challenge in life. a challenge or a test for me to see if i could bear the consequences of the choices i made once i'm attached. people think that being in a relationship, you have to be happy and etc but the truth is, it wasn't.

i wasn't happy.

at some points of time, i refused to let people know if i am in relationship because lots of people would ask, how old he/she is? where does he/she works? and many all sorts of questions. it became a battle between friends to see who has a partner that has lots of accomplishments.

i wasn't okay.

and it happen to my other failed 3 relationships. it got worst to the point i cannot take it. i do not wish to say how it ended or how it lasted as i believed everyone has a choice to kept their past relationships a secret. really, it ruined my life, not only that, it ruined who i was, it ruined my confidence and it ruined my true self.

i was caught up in an unhealthy relationship.

and when people asked me if i want to be in relationship again, yes, i want to but i don't want to. i am afraid that it'll happen again. and i know that i cannot let it happen again, for the fourth time and i do not wish to let it ruin my life. even if i were to be with someone else, this time, i am gonna choose the right one. instead of self-proclaiming that i'm in love, i would take two steps back to think over again if this is the right one, or should i just reject him/her?

i don't even know.