🌹 1 Month without You
written on : 18 January 2018
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i was a fan of SHINee when they first debuted and they were the first boyband i stan until now, before GOT7 and BTS became my bias group. and yes, i still support SHINee but not as active as GOT7 and BTS. x
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for Kim Jonghyun
(08 April 1990 - 18 December 2017)
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it's been one month after Jonghyun's passing and i can say that even though i struggled a bit, but having to hear his songs and even to see his photos on the internet saddens me all this while. i know for sure that it is not only me that is suffering from this but also to other Shawols. to be frank, a person who goes through the same thing as what Jonghyun is going, he/she can relate to it ; like i am.
throughout this one month, i communicate with other Shawols, lending a shoulder for them to cry, listening to them and also talking to them giving them some support, it's one of a thing. and it's because i am from another Fandom (ARMY & IGOT7) and i have supported Kpop and Kdramas since i was 7 (10 years ago) and i could say that i should consider myself as an "senior" and i should lend myself a hand for others if they need me. this period has been harsh for all of us, all of other fandoms and also artists who is close to Jonghyun and everyone. and when he made that decision to end his life, i cannot say/describe how shocked i was because i wasn't expecting that he would go that far.
far by planning it beforehand. he supposed to let the Shawols know when his upcoming concert will be when he was performing solo but the fans noticed that he did not mention about his concert at that time, so they thought probably he had forgotten about it but it isn't. and when every songs he produced and perform, i went through every lyrics and every meaning behind it, it just breaks my heart. i questions the people around him. i questions the fans. i questions myself. why? why didn't we notice that he is dying inside? why didn't we notice that he has been calling for help but all we care about is when will their comeback? why didn't we notice how mentally tired he is that he desperately wanna go whilst all we care about is when is his solo comeback?
in every photo in his IG account, if you scroll down properly, some of the photos he had left us a hint. a hint that he had given up on trying, given up on having hopes, given up on living. i can totally feel him. i feel his pain. i feel his remorse. i can feel his desperate cries. but i wonder why others didn't even care? he was struggling. he was drowning, he was yelling, but no one hear him, no one.
*before you guys bash me for putting the blame on the other artist for not noticing his pain, let me say that I DID NOT BLAME THEM. what i am trying to convey is that why didn't we notice it earlier? that he is struggling. why didn't we even care about him? that is what i am trying to say.
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and i feel regret for not noticing him, not hearing him, not asking him. if i did, would you think that it could stop him for a moment? would you think that he will be here with us if all the Shawols would lend a hand and be by his side when he needs someone?
i bet if we did, he wouldn't leave us, right?
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i am sorry Jonghyun for not noticing your pain. i am sorry that you had to take this harsh decision to end your life. i can truly understand how painful it is to be to carry those overload on your back and it is extremely painful. i am sorry that you had to carry those on your own. i am sorry that everyone did notice you but never notice your pain. i am sorry that no one asked if you are mentally okay. i am sorry that it took time for me to notice how important you are to me, to Shawols. i am sorry that i didn't leave a comment on your photo to ask how are you and if you are mentally okay.
i am truly sorry that it took time for me to even notice the hints you've left behind and it took time for me to decipher every hints and every meaning. i am sorry Jonghyun. i wish i could turn back the time and tell you how sorry i was and how i want you back here ; not for me but for SHINee members and also Shawols. your presence left us a huge impact, knowing that you aren't around, is making us feel down, extremely down. i am not sure for others but for me, i had to tell myself everytime that you are not with us anymore and it is time to let you go.
your legacy will always forever be remembered. and the Shawols will never disappoint you. please keep us in your minds and look us from above. fly free, Jonghyun! smile widely and let go of every pain that you have been carrying for the past 27 years.
Rest in Peace Jonghyun.
You will always be remembered.
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"cherish your idols and always leave a comment and ask how are they doing because i just lost mine."