Matter of Seconds

it was all matter of seconds. standing up, gets to the shower, gets dressed, wears my uniform and off too work. it was basically my daily job, it's become part of my life. few months back, i had my major relapses after 1year plus of not entering the psychiatric unit. it was major. i've held so many times that it just exploded during my shift on my probation month. i've held the strongest longest tears and it just got out of control. i've got no one to talk too. called my mom and she fetches me from my work, cab down to the psychiatric ER and next thing i knew, i sat down crying endlessly, disappointed of what had happened. for the first time in years since my last in the psychiatric unit, for the first time someone told me that i did a great job in holding back and it wasn't my fault, that it happened. got a 12 days MC after that ; nope, i wasn't admitted. and ever since that day, i was having constant panic attacks, frequent migraines, anxiety, hallucinations, suicidal thoughts and not the least, Ana. 

Ana wasn't part of my life ever since i was diagnosed with mental illness. but ever since that day, and up till now, it's just appears and now i feared for my life. feared that i would be control and not get my life again. i started to miss alot of things at work, fearing i would never do better. i started to overwork myself because of feared being labeled as weird, crazy, lazy and etc. different set of thoughts appeared and i became submissive. 

i listen to the thoughts as if my life would be on the line (it has already been.). my body shows signs of exhaustions but i do not care. i wasn't happy. happy with the current job despite the fact it pays me twice as much as from my previous jobs. i couldn't create normal friendship or closer bondship with colleagues because of the tension around i would always feel and the constant worries on the probation period and also the confirmation. 

i was lonely. i got no one to talk to or share how's my day been. i got scared. i got fears. lots of things happened and i can't summarise them in words because of the anxiety feeling i am having. music and beds and plush toys has become my comfort zone. i hated to be out. i hated how my life works despite that i am thankful for the great stressful journey. i don't know if anybody could relate my struggles but i doubt they do.