I don't know how to Stop

if you hate reading this type of captions,  feel free to skip these post. things has got overwhelmed for the past 5 days straight and I would say I wasn't in my best condition,  as of yet.  I feel that my life has suddenly turned upside down and it's making me realise the actual reason why I lived.  I fought this battle for the past 4years and half (will be 5 years soon)  and there's obviously ups and downs to this battle but so far,  this currents battle has been really overwhelmed to the point that I think dying is the only answer but of course,  I had no plans as of yet (even if I had,  I will rush myself to the hospital). it's weird because I want to be better and healthy in both body and minds but at the same time,  I just don't want to get better.  and the truth is,  my whole body had used up all the energy (to deal with my mental illness)  and it started showing the symptoms of being really really really sick.  and I told my friend that, she told me to stop,  have a break.  but I told her that I couldn't cause I don't know how.  because in my mind,  I would often said,  "if I stop,  who's gonna pay my bills when my father's pay isn't enough plus my mother couldn't work due to her knee?" and I have debts to settle so it's impossible for me to stop knowing that it's had already reach to my limit where I feel that dying/suicide is the only answer.