Paralyzed

i'm honestly paralyzed. not paralyzed not in a sense where i'm bedridden. i'm numb, needless to say. i've lost lots of important people in my life and i don't know how to gain it back. i swear i wasn't myself. jobs has become a tougher thing for me to go through. i just want to be in bed, cuddle with my soft toys and that's it. i stopped doing what i used to love. i stopped doing what i used to do. i just lay in bed and stare at the ceilings as of time gonna past by soon. 

i'm slowly learning to forgive everyone, who used to hurt my feelings but damn, i'm just numb. i don't know what it feels to be happy or even feel to smile. i miss smiling. i miss laughter. i miss doing fun things ; with friends and family. now it's changed. it's no longer the times where i would be with my friends and doing stuffs. i miss everything. 

i miss the person i used to be, who used to do all sorts of stuffs and never to care people's feelings. but now, i'm just depressed and suicidal person. i miss doing journals, i miss studying, i miss reading. but now i'm just like staring at thise shits, wondering when and what am i supposed to do it? 

i just want to go far away from here. oack my bags and land where my feet would brings me.