After So Many Years

this post is about my experience today at my cousin's wedding (my father's side). as many of you all know, i had a bad conflict with my father's side. it's been going on since 2011 and it has never been on a good relationship ever since. the reason why i'm writing this because i want to let things off my chest and writing about something has been my hobby ever since young.

it was my cousin's wedding and i have no intention to come at the first place because of the conflict caused by "them" back in 2011. a day before the wedding, my father's mother (my grandmother ; whom i was not close since young and did not receive any love, attention or care from her, so i disregard her as my grandmother) told him that she somewhat "misses" my mother and i and it's been long since she seen us. he told my mother about it but like me, my mother had 0 intention to come to the wedding because of the conflict, the hate and the anger my mother and i had kept for 8 years, still lingers, we totally had 0 intention of going. but because we did not say much about what he told us, i could tell he was sad. he was unhappy. because of the conflict between my mother and i and his family ; that has been going ever since 8 years, he couldn't say anything. he was caught between his family and my mother and i.

but because my mother pitied him, my mother told me that maybe we should go and save "his face". and it kinda hurt her to see him being sad, so yeah. we indeed went to the wedding.

so when we've arrived at the wedding, i shook hands to my father's side family ; his mother, his sister and those who are elder than me (it's a basic form of respect to the Muslim family, so it's a must to shake hands to the people who are elder than us and also to the people we've met). many took saying how grown up i was and how tall i am. all i could do is just smile. the awkwardness is there so my presence (including my mother) must have been a shock to them.

we sat at one table and my father's side at another. soon his family slowly turning up one by one and of course, my presence must have been a shocked to them so we didn't say much and it's really frustrating to be there especially when you are "not welcome". i had disappointment in me because  i mean, we're growing older and i expected to been've accepted once again but my assumptions were true, i wasn't accepted. again, i decided not to show my disappointment and just look at the wedding decorations.

i didn't talk to any of his nieces or nephews and i could do was just sat with my mom and admired the the food and the decorations. like i said, our presence wasn't welcomed. we didn't stay long because i wasn't comfortable during the wedding so i told my parents that i want to go home and we did. i shook hands with my elders and i did not give any face. i just couldn't bear or even want to stay at the wedding venue where my presence wasn't accepted by my father's side.

so we left the venue and again, i felt sad. i felt so many emotions but most of all, i wasn't happy. i just want to let things off my chest but my mind is bothered by things. i don't know.

i just couldn't feel the love that i wanted from them, so i'm just disappointed.