Chose to Save a Life

recently, a friend of mine from Japan, personally message me from Telegram, stating that he wants to end his life because of the economic, study, social, family and expectation pressures. it was midnight (in sg) and he bombarded me with 201 unread messages saying he wants to end his life and etc. if you are a person who reads the news and watching documentaries like i do, if you ever heard about the Suicide Forest in Japan, well, he said that he's feeling helpless and wanting to end his life there, at the forest itself. you can imagine how tired i was after a long day at work and with the new medications that i was prescribed giving me delusions, headaches and blisters on the lips, i told myself that i needed a rest but after checking his messages and reading it, i knew that resting can awaits. 

saving someone is way more important that my own tiredness. so i called him, i said to him, "talk to me. let it out, Hoshi." he was crying. he kept saying how his life don't matter and people do not believe in him. instead of interrupting him, i let him continued his rants, making sure that he lets everything out. after about half an hour, when he cools down, i slowly talked to him. "baby, please don't think that you are not important. yes, it's okay to feel how you fel. it's okay to once in a while failed to be strong and it's okay to be you. you are way more than this. fuck to those who said you are not important and lack of humanity. to me you are someone special even though we never meet. you know, i was in your position few weeks ago. i was really down to the point that i feel ending my life would be better than staying alive. i have plans on how to end my life but i didn't do it. i don't even know why. i just sit silently staring into spaces hoping that i would sleep forever. if dying would hurt my mother's feeling, i would hope that i could able to sleep forever and not facing the harsh truth of pain." 

he was still crying but it wasn't as bad as before. so i continued. "the reason why we wanted to end our life is not because we want to die but because we want to end the pain." 

"Hoshi, if you feel down or feel discouraged, remember the blanket that i send to you few months back? use that blanket as a form of comfort. use that blanket if you must to shower yourself with love. remember, you are not alone. we are in this together. and i won't leave you until my last breath. i promise you that." 

and then, he said.. "thank you, Kathy. i guess, i shall postpone my plans and go home... promise me that you won't leave without me?"

i smiled, holding back my tears. "yes." 

and we ended the call. deep down i know that i was struggling with my own mental strength but i chose to save someone, giving out encouragement knowing that it can save them but neither of it can save me. i'm giving hope to them but i couldm't give hope to myself.