A Day in IMH (Institution of Mental Hospital)
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Disclaimer/Note :
i will use patient initials as to identify which is which. the patients that i do not recognise, i would use X as his/her initials. i do not intend with any form to either shame the institution or the patients in regardless of form. i am a patient, and i have been in and out for nearly 9 times. i want to share my experience with people who do not understand mental illness truly and the stigmas that they knew which is completely FALSE. and also this is to show that we received treatments in a different way, not the type of treatments that you knew which were onced used back in 1800s-1930s. also do open up your mind and look at different angles.
thank you 🖤.
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24th of April 2019
after i stayed out from house after spending time with my god-daughter, i went back home and i told my mother, "Mom, i don't think i can handle it." and i cried while saying it and i guess i really can't handle my emotions after 2 years of holding it in and she agreed to send me back. i couldn't sleep that well because my mind was disturbed and there's a lot of things going inside my head and all i could think of is dying.
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25th of April 2019
we went for breakfast because i said, i need to have a decent meal before i went back in as i knew that hospital food sucks and it doesn't suit to my taste. so i ate paper thosai while my parents ate mee goreng. it's just a small decent meal and we went to IMH by bus as there's a direct transport from my home to there.
we reach IMH around 9+ and we waited for an hour or so as the doctors were doing their roundings and i was anxious because, 2 years of not coming back, it felt so surreal. it felt like, hey, i'm back here again. so i waited for the doctor to called me and finally she did so i went in to see her and the "talking-session" was intense and she asked for my mother to come in as i was told that i needed for an admission, however, because i'm 18, so i'm in a middle section where i could choose to either stay in children's ward or adult's ward. when my mother came in and spoke with the doctor about how my behaviour and mood is and that's when i cried. because i couldn't fully express how i felt and i've been keeping it inside for quite a long time and the doctor said that because i'm still at the age where maturing is happening and the feelings and everything is so overwhelming that i don't know how to fully express. it's like i'm confused of feelings this way and things were extremely hard especially things that happen for the past few months.
so the doctor said that she'll have to discuss with the ward doctor to see if they'll able to take me in as their patient and i had to stay at the observation ward for a day. so i did. i could only take my jacket, my storybook and my dog plush toy since i couldn't bring in my phone. my parents left me there while i tried to keep myself busy by reading the book and also have some decent sleep. there's not much things to say about the observation ward. all i could say is that staying there was abit more peaceful because i could get some decent sleep and i could stop thinking about my problems for a while. i won't go in detail about the food as you might already know that the food taste sucks but it's edible.
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26th of April 2019
the next morning, i started to see the children's ward doctor and we had some talks regarding about my mood and also my thoughts (won't really go in detail of it). so after some serious talking, we had an agreement that i would be warded in her ward and i had to wait for the nurse to bring me from observation ward to the children's ward. but because when i came in from the ER and i said that i attempted suicide, i was put on PS (prevention suicide) so therefore i couldn't join for any activities until they put the PS off. i stayed in the room, reading the book, trying to kill my time and my mom came to visit me and i had to reply messages because i didn't have my phone for 2 days straight and it's horrible because the moment i on my data, i have over 60 unread messages. it's hectic but it's okay because i'll able to lay my head away from adulthood problems. and also my grand-dad came to visit after his appointment. it's just a simple grand-dad and grand-daughter bonding though it was short meeting as he need to go back home fast. i could make some friends but because i had issues with my mood, so i don't really talk unless if i need too and mostly i kept to myself.
i couldn't really have a decent sleep when i'm in the ward because my mind just couldn't stop and it keeps on working and it's really tiring, having to really forcefully shut your eyes off just so you could have a decent sleep. and also i could never request a sleeping pill because the doctors have not fully reviewed my medication which totally fucked it up and i was in horrible mood so i could not make a scene because i respected the patients and they need some decent sleep (since i'm the oldest there) so i was given a no choice but had to fucked it up and force myself to sleep.
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27th of April 2019
i couldn't have breakfast on time because they said i need to get my blood taken so my medication was put on hold and i was hungry at first but i've gotten used to the hunger. after a slight breakfast and also the blood was taken, i went straight back to sleep cause i was really tired and i couldn't have enough sleep as my sleep was distrupted. there's a lot of happening during the ward, like patients are discussing about wanting to create crisis and leave the ward, i don't even wanna hear their thoughts cause i find it impulsive, so i just let them bear the consequences in the future. i spend most of the time reading books as it helps me to get away from the stress and the pain but there are times i just wanna shut my eyes out.
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28th of April 2019
i took my height and weight and i got some shocks when i see that i was at my heaviest weight and i wasn't truly happy. i wanted to cry but i couldn't so i just kept quiet and let the emotions flow. i found out from the patients who wanted to create crisis ; that they abandon their plan because of "trust" issues amongst each other so they decided not to carry on with it, which i'm totally fine cause i care about them and i do not wish for them to regret it in the future. also, on the day itself (at night), patient X created a crisis because he banged his nose onto the wall, which resulted himself bloodied and the floor is full of blood. nurse K called the crisis team which involves 7 ER nurses, 2 Aetos officers and including nurse T and herself. it took about half an hour to convince to give up and get himself treated and their approach is very soft, patience and treated him nicely ; as if they consoled him like a friend or like a baby. eventually he gave in and he wasn't tied on the bed because he doesn't appear violent as what they thought as they prepared restrainers in case he appears violent and tries to harm them or other patients.
well we all thought that it was okay until another crisis came up. it was happening so fast because i was already taken my night meds and including sleeping pills, so i felt drowsy. i was about to sleep until i heard a loud bang which woke me up including the crisis siren. i woke up from bed and tries to look outside and i witness patient K tries to get into patient M's room as she banged the door really loud to let him out. nurse K tries to hold onto the door as nurse T tried to prevent patient M from releasing his restraint which he eventually succeed. patient K able to get through the door, letting patient M ran as he push the male ER nurse and hits the Aetos officer and patient K beats up nurse T and nurse K before she ran out. it was very chaotic and i soon to realise that i saw patient K ran around the female dorm and eventually ran away. it was really chaos and i saw nurse T very traumatised by what happen and her eyes were red and there were hand marks on her neck. after about half an hour, they managed to catch patient M which he was escourted by 4 Aetos officers whom was body-build and much stronger than he is and eventually he was tied up with 5 points. the crisis team, Aetos team and including the security team search the whole institution for patient K and even viewed the CCTVs footage but to no avail, she couldn't be found. all i could remember is that i saw her ran away in the bushes, god knows where she went.
i couldn't sleep properly that night thinking what is gonna happen to the nurse K and nurse T and also will patient K be caught? because she was wearing the hospital gown and the police was informed to look out for her if they were patrolling. it was really chaotic but it also triggers my PTSD and the banging sound reminds me of what happen during school. i could see nurse K was crying as things were getting out of control and 2 crisis happened in a day and she wasn't prepared for what is coming. soon i saw 2 male ER nurse walking up and down making sure that we are asleep and not disturbed by the accidents but i just couldn't. i was awake till 4am which i eventually slept.
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29th of April 2019
and when i woke up, i asked nurse S where is nurse T and nurse K and she said that they both went to the hospital for a thorough check and probably will be questioned in regards to patient K's disappearance and also their mental health being as they were beaten up and truly traumatised by the whole incident. i felt sadden by the incident and felt sad for nurse T and nurse K and i found out that they were given 2 weeks of MC and things got a lot worse when security team decided to change all the locks for the entrance and the exit door. they made the locks more secured than before because the ward that we are staying is a temporary as the previous ward that i was staying is under renovation and the ward that we are staying is used to be the old folks ward. so the door wasn't properly secured even though it was lock but not that strong enough for us.
doctors came and asked about my condition (though i know that i wasn't feeling okay, i lied to them because i could no longer stay in a ward that i feel it's not safe for me.) and they said that they wanted to discharge me which i agreed and they gave me 11 days MC and they increased my medication and stopped me on Mirtazapine.
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so yeap, that's my stay in the mental institution for a few days after 2 years. i'm afraid to share my experience as feared that i would get judge but just letting you know that i'm not ashamed.
this is my experience and this is my story. what about yours?
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if you know any family members or friends or your close loved ones facing any psychological issues, please seek help, immediately. it's not okay to let them sorrow in darkness. give them assurance and guide them back to the light. if i can do it, why can't you?
spread 🖤 not hate.
International Mental Health Hotline : Click Me
IMH Hotline : 6389 2222
SOS : 1800 221 4444
stay safe, everyone.