A different person, I guess?

After my last admission, I've realised that I've hold on to my life as I do not wish to be back in the dark when I was holding in for the last 2 years. The moment I crumble, that's when I knew, that I have hold on for so long as I do not wish to see people I've hurt so much. The more I think back, the reason I was holding on is because I took other people's feelings before me. I never cared how I feel, I never cared what is my hobby, my choice, my favorites. It's because I choose someone else before me. I was afraid. Afraid of losing people's love and attention. I was afraid make mistakes or afraid to do things that angers them. I was afraid of losing them that I never took care or took a glimpse of myself. 

During that admission, I think back about what I've love doing, what is my hobby and what is my dream or goals. That moment, I decided to care for my feelings, my choice of need, the things I wanna do. I said to myself, I wanted to change. Change into a new person. A person who only cares for myself. That was my goal. The moment I discharge, I started to be "cold". I don't show love or kindness. My heart was broken alot of times in the past that my heart has become solid. The fear of being hurt, the fear of being destroyed, the fear of losing someone, the fear of going thru what I've gotten through, I do not wish to go through it anymore. 

I started to be cold to the people who I've onced regard them as the most important. I started to distant myself to everyone. I refused to share what's on my mind and heart. I refused to share more than what I can share. I refused to be in a cliche when I knew I was being judged. When I knew that people sees me as different. I've become cold. I showed empathy to the people who's going through the same as me. I showed empathy when I feel they really need my attention or they really need someone. I've muted all my WhatsApp texts and I refused to look at it unless I check it. I was being serious. I told myself, if I want to be a change person, I've got to do what my heart says. Fuck everyone's control. Fuck everyone who thinks their feelings is most important than yours. That moment, that sentence, that's when I've become a "cold" person. 

I removed 85% of my photos on Instagram and kept the photos that has a meaning to me. The last photo I took was in the first week of May. And I stopped posting. Because I feel there's no point of sharing my life online, like most of my life. That's a goal. I told myself, I shall post a photos if I think it can stays or fits to my profile feed. I spend most of my time on Tumblr or Twitter. It's like a safe haven, you see. 

And also, I've decided to kept a diary and see how my diary will looks like after years of writing. But of course, I won't stop. Because it's the most important in my life. I shared most of my life online in the past that I chose to share it in private UNLESS if it has a beautiful meaning, than, that's a yes. If more than that, I won't share it on Instagram or Facebook. I shall kept in my diary. That's for sure.