why now? when nobody cares?
i get this question like, a lot. why do i distance myself away? why do all my social medias post has no friends, no families, just me, why? it took me a while to get myself together to post this because it does affect my mind, motivation and also my closure. it brings back bad memories, memories that i would love to get rid off.
i used to be that girl who have lots of friends, unlimited friendships, who loves to get hang up and those clichē when they asked me out for coffee or dinner, those are the friends that i used to hang out with. however, things changed the moment i was diagnosed with depression and social anxiety, followed up by other mental illnesses. i started to validate myself, judge myself for being the one out, for feeling down, for feeling useless. i remember the time when i came to school feeling so anxious that i refused to participate any school activities, like sports, having to present and etc. it's so difficult for me to voice out for help at school that i stopped mixing around with my friends ; i walked away from my own best friend because i just couldn't deal with the situation, that i kept asking my teacher to send me to the principal room because i feel so overwhelmed being in class that i just totally can't take it.
i told my mom that i don't want to continue schooling because of what i feel and how i shouldn't continue be in class. and ever since then, i stopped going. i spend most of my time at home, reliving bad memories i once had in primary school, being bullied and having to be called names because i was tall and being a nerd in school. it was horrible. i kept crying, having endless nightmares (though i still have till now) and feeling so insecure that i just cut contact with everyone. it was a hell of 6 months for me that i just...... i just don't know what to say.
fast forward to when i was around 15ish to now, i met different types of people from different backgrounds ; be it family or friends. i've seen everyone's bad image, bad reputations or bad past. they showed me how society changes them, how what they used to say that, "friendship last forever". that shit or that slogan, don't get fucking attached because that ain't true. i have friends who claimed or would say that, they will stick by my side always but guess what? they didn't. they fucked me up, left me when i needed them the most and they could just come at me when they're desperate for help or let's say, consolations? when they cried because of their fucking boyfriend or girlfriend being a dickhead, i was there for them. when they cried because of issues be it family or legal, i was there for them. but when i'm in a situation where i'm depressed, suicidal and shit, they weren't there. they fucking pushed me away and say i deserve it for being an attention bitch. it always happen or let say, it frequently happen that i just stopped looking forward to a new friendship.
not only friendship, but considering that i have bad luck with relationships, i've failed in multiple relationships. a year plus with my primary school girlfriend, a 4 months with a useless guy, a 6 months with a guy, a 8 months with girl who has the same name as me. in the end, everyone leaves. back then i expected too much but now, knowing that when you expect too much, you're the one who gets hurt. it's a life-long lesson. it made me very insecure to start a new friendship or relationship, fearing that not only my expectation is a failure but also me as a failure. it also made me wonder why am i so unlucky? everytime i wished for something good, it'll be bad. it made me so cold that i don't look forward to things that are beautiful or things that once make me happy. and because the pain is so unbearable, i chose to close my heart and never letting anyone in. i chose to harm my body with scars, chose to be rebel, chose to be disrespectful, chose not to show emotions, chose to fake a laugh, chose to fake a smile, chose to fake excitement. i chose to be a different cold person because i know, if i don't, it'll be more hurtful.
i distance myself away because i know that ;
- friends who claim/used to promise or say that they will be there for me ; left.
- families who claims that they are by my side but turn their back against me ; saying how crazy i am.
- relationship partners who used to say that they love me no matter who am i ; cheated or left me.
- parents who say that they understand what i am going through ; they never really did.
not only that, i got betrayed, left, cheated, discriminate by everyone i knew, by everyone i loved. so why must it be my fault to leave when the problem starts from them? do you get what i mean? this is why i do have anti-social behaviour and also having this fucked up trust issues because NOBODY CARES.
and the only people i could talk, express my feelings is the people online who are hurt, deeply betrayed, depressed, suicidal as me. that's how i make real friends because they knew how i feel, how am i and how they truly understands me. people easily say that they have been in my shoes but fuck it, they don't. they would proudly say how stress and depressed they are when they don't know the demons have sucked your soul deeply till you can never felt anything at all?
so let me asked a question ;
why do you bother so much when you knew you are the one who used, hurt, broke, betrayed, cheated on me? is it because that i can easily be step on by you? do you think that i am a fucking doll who you can just throw away like Annabelle?