a simple clear message

my mind was disturb by all of the things that is happening right now. i can't grasps to the situation ; the real situation. i've constantly had nightmares. i've constantly had dreams about death. i've constantly felt low. i've constantly feel that, how is it worth? 

communications with friends just gone. friends? what is friends? i don't have friends. friends leave. i don't remember what it feels like to have friends. the last time i could remember is that, they soon leave me, one by one. ever since then, i start to remove their numbers, left with my family only, but only certain family, that i have in my contact list. i used to have over 300 contacts but it dropped to only 6. 

my disorders is getting worse. i'm not getting any better. i'm constantly stucked with the same cycle, over and over again. not only that, i've been downgraded, humiliated by people i once trust. i guess i showed much empathy towards them. and because of that, it made me worst. i don't feel like i should anymore. what's the point, if people look like you like a creep? 

i'm different now. i'm not like the old person anymore, showed empathy, showed kindness, showed loving. no more. not anymore. if you see me in public, feel free to talk, but i won't guarentee if i will showed empathy ever again.