it isn't selfish

*huge trigger warning* read at YOUR OWN risk! 

i've been contemplated to post this because this will not only trigger me, but also to all mental health sufferers. i've had suicidal tendecies for over a year but i managed to attempt when i had to this year, which you can read in this post right here. i can barely remember the date because my memory is vague so i doubt i could remember any of it. however, i remember how i felt, how i sense things, how my mind is. it's troubled. lots of things went into my mind. feeling worthless, feeling troubled, feeling stuck.

i remember how i felt when i tried to do things that made me happy (not sincerely, but honestly, just a while). i loved writing, writing was my hobby and i've wanted to be an author or writer, at least, publishing my own book (which i doubt would happen ; i mean who would want to read a sick, mentally, ill, depressed, suicidal person's book, right?). i lost interest in many things and i just remember how i would often drop by near the beach since my workplace is quite near there, so i just went and sat on the sand, writing my suicide notes, over and over again, thinking if i wrote it right, do i miss any person's name? or do i convey it right? 

(i won't go in detail how my suicide attempt was because it will SERIOUSLY trigger and affect some sufferers who have just recovered or on the road to recovery.) 

i'm not in any position to ask or advice sufferers to join or do what i do to just end your life, no. the purpose of this blog post is to raise awareness to everyone out there, that, despite whatever you are going through, despite whatever shit you get, you aren't alone. even if you have that feeling where it says, "no hope. just end it." remember that you are loved. 

ending your life is not a stupid decision. ending your life is not a dumb decision. people do not know what we are going through or what we feel, deeply, that we can only think that ending your life is the only solution to end the pain. if i were to be very honest, i do not want to die. i don't want to die. i want to lived. i want to travel. i want to do things that i loved. however, the pain that i've been put through and the pain that i was put in, made me lose hope to lived. i want the pain to be gone, which is why i want to end my life. 

people may say that, "oh, your faith isn't strong enough. pray to God more often." you can say, it's as easy as a fly, but if you were to be in my position right now, thinking about God or religion is way far behind from ending your life. and do i regret for not ending my life? yes. do i regret attempted it? no. do i want my life to end? yes.