a serious mental health update
as i blog thru this, i'm not in a perfect state of mind. i'm not well. i'm not healthy. lots of thoughts in my mind that i just can't process. september has been a very bad month for me. my dad has been unemployed since this year January because his company (the company that he worked for) has decided to terminate all the employees. so you could per-say that i'm still struggling to cope with the pressure of not having enough money and also having the pressure of not being able to enjoy the things i've used to do back in the past because money is involved.
not to mention, the work place, is something that i do not enjoy anymore. there's lots of personal conflicts between myself. i can't say that i don't enjoy. i do, but it's more of the "fake" me? i can't find the real me. the real me is still lost. i'm doing all these despite the fact that i'm still not happy, not satisfied nad not feeling proud of what i'm doing. i'm "forced" to be put in this manner because money is involved.
if money is not involved, then, i guess my life, my parent's life will be different. i have been questioning myself. what is my purpose in life? what do i want in life? what do i want to be or what do i wish to be? in the matter of 4 years plus, i've lost everything. my school, my education, my life, my family, my friends, myself. i've completely lost myself. i can no longer save me. i can no longer say or express myself. i'm really... really
.. gone.
the life, the soul that i have now, is alive because people wants me to live. i can't go because people want me to stay. i can't go because my family wants me. they do not need me. they don't love me. they just want me. i can't even express or ask help from my family because they see me as a different, evil person.
i don't know where i'm supposed to be. i don't know where i stand. i'm alone. i'm lonely. i want to be a normal person. i want to experience the joy i once had when i was 8. my life completely change when i was 14. everyone, everybody, says that it'll gets better but it doesn't! it doesn't get better. i'm waiting, waiting for someone to say that, "Hey, you are not better.". someone to find out that i'm not getting better and pull me thru this.
i was supposed to talk to someone i'm okay and comfortable with. but i don't see someone who are suitable for that spot. and having trust issues, it's hard for someone or anybody to get thru me. i don't believe in words. i believe in actions. and many shows words but not actions. my parents, they are my parents but they don't understand me. they said they do, but they don't. and they'll never be.
why doesn't my attempt successful back then? why must someone save me from drowning myself? why must someone stop me? why?