say something

i just feel the need to say out because i'm super down at the moment. i had this entire feeling gushed out and i'm lost and pressured by the fact that i'm feeling this way. i'm feeling overwhelmed. i'm stuck within this feelings that i can't even say. i feel like i want to cry. i feel like i want to scream. i feel like i want to stab myself. the pain, the feeling.... is just too much. 

i've speak out. J wasn't what i feel i could say more. he's an adult and he's mature. i'm only in my mid teens and our level of understanding isn't there. i've talk to "R", i guess that's her name because her name starts with an R? haha... it was nice to talk to her because we have the same issues though her one is different. but she understood my kind of level but even if she gave me positive vibes, i just can't have it. 

today, i talked to my cousin, F. well, thankfully, she listens and responds in a manner i understood. she relates to me. and at the same time, she finally hears what is troubling me, even though i told her part of it. she told me hers. being in a situation where is unfair, love is divided and attention is divided. i felt sorry and helpless when she told me. and i told her as well. what i sees and what i feel when my family treats me like an "odd" one. i cried. and today, again, yet, again, i cried. i cried so much to the point i'm hallucinating. i talk to my "friends", i cried and they comfort me. they gave me some spirit where i have to move on because i don't have anybody. 

my parents may understood me, but not completely. they don't know what i feel or what i want or what i need. i'm lost. i'm numb. and even now, i don't even know what i'm talking or even thinking. and also, maybe this post may sounds dumb and also so weird. haha. 

i even lost my sense of love towards everyone, including my grandparents. except F, my cousin, i shared my story with. i lost my sense of love towards everyone and i've believed that i'm becoming a person that soon will lack of love and emotions. maybe? we'll see. 

i guess, that's the end of it.