clarification

just want to clarify why i hesitated to be in relationship despite knowing that i'm in love or felt that i'm in love. - K. 

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i've been in multiple relationships. i've been emotionally abuse by my ex 2 years ago. i've had constant panic attacks when i'm in relationship ; when ; they've showed me their true signs such as obsessive behaviour, toxic dominant and etc. it's gives me anxiety when i think about it. my relationship 2 years back gave me an emotional trauma that i myself have troubles to got over it. being in relationship is not easy because you have to know that you are able to take good care of yourself and also your partner. 

i can never be in relationship because how am i supposed to take care of my partner where else i can't take care of myself? i've suffered mental illness and i barely even managed to get myself better despite going for sessions and eaten different type medications which some work for me and some may not. i've been in and out from IMH and i don't see myself in a position where i'm able to snuggle or hug or get forehead kissed by my partner. i see myself in a destructive position. hence, i believed that i'm not able to be or to have relationship. 

i'm thankful enough to have someone to loved me be it from a crush or a friend or a family or maybe a stranger, but i just can't show love towards someone when i cannot show or learn to love myself. i have a severe issues about myself. accepting and loving. i've seen myself as a monster. i hated myself. i hated to see myself in photos or videos. it shows how much i hated myself. i can't loved myself because i don't like me. i've tried to love myself but i don't see it or i have it. 

i can't basically chant a harry potter spell and have my body changed to something that i love. be it if you asked me to go for plastic surgery or such, i would say no. even if you changed the way i look, i still can't accept myself. i can admit that this issue have gone so severe to the point that i destroy myself. there's no point in telling my family or anybody about it because by end of the day, they don't understand. 

that is why i can't be in relationship. i don't love myself. so how am i supposed to love someone when i don't love and appreciate myself?