my history with my father's side

this story is based on my life experience. you can say i'm a bad person but this is what happened. do continue to read, with open mind. thank you 🙏. 

my father's side has shown so much dislike to my mother and me. i was not their family. my father was the 6th child amongst the seven siblings. my father has been their "goat" when it comes to critisicm. my father often was picked on and shamed in the family for being disabled and "dumb" in the mind. and even me, i was affected. 

affected in way that i was shown less interest. my cousins got a better treatment than i am. they've got loved, praised and mostly, attention while me, i was pushed away. i was picked on. for being different. i wasn't that religious. i'm in a mindset where i believed that religion isn't forceful. i believed that once i'm "ready", i would study religion and be faithful to it. 

my cousins were religious. they've memorised the whole book of Quran while me, i barely even passed the Iqra. i could barely even remember the surah that i was taught before. i wore pants and tshirt instead of covering my aurah like what a modest muslimah should be. i wasn't like that. i mean, i want to be like them, but i wasn't ready. and they weren't happy. 

i was often compared by them. they compared me with my nieces for being able to memorise the Quran and i can't. my grandfather would pick all the bad side about me. my grandmother would pinpoint my way of dressing, my aunts and uncles would not stop to condemn me and say bad things that a child should never hear. 

it's very complicated but that causes my mother to be mad at them for saying things that she couldn't imagine that a child (me) would hear. so they fought. there's a family conflict and the last time i came or be at the family event was 8 year ago. and i stopped coming for Hari Raya and i don't even want to see them or even want to talk to them. the first time we met was during my cousin wedding. that, was because i was "forced" to go. when they see me, they don't even call me or hug me or even ask about me. they don't approach me and they don't bother about my existence. 

do i miss them? yes. do i love them? yes. do i regard them as a family? yes and no. yes is because no matter what, they are my family. i have their genes. their DNAs in me. no is because they don't regard me as one and i don't regard them as one either. 

so that's why, i don't really talk about my father's side because that is what happened. you could say that i'm rude or disrespectful but this is what i've experience. a young 6 year old kid experience from her father's side of family. 

wouldn't that scars her life forever?