End of The Year Post 2019
2019 has been the most fucked up year. There's no good moments despite there is. Most of the moments i could remember is just bad moments. Why? Because i've been surrounded by bad moments, bad history and just bad. I mean, not mixing with criminals of course, but more of negative stuffs such as thinking about death constantly, despite being grateful that i lived, haha. Let me brief my whole year with you. Just a simple disclaimer, i can't remember stuff that easy hence, it might be incorrect. please EXIT this post if you are easily triggered.
= J A N U A R Y =
My father lost his job due to the company's fucked up situation. He wasn't the only one affected, his colleagues too. But sadly, for his case, that was the job that he can do because my father is disabled ever since 1987 due to a horrific car accident in Pahang, Malaysia. Most of his colleagues were able to get a job considering they're not disabled, but my father, his chances of getting a job is as low as 10%. I was devastated. The news came after my birthday, which is on 28th of January. I tried to be positive but i can't. I was just so sad. The only surviving person is me. My mother could not worked despite taking part-time job as a bus attendant because her condition is getting worst, hence she quits. We decided to get financial assistance from the government and the whole process becomes a cycle. My mother decided to keep this a secret from our family. A secret that my father lost his job, fearing that people would look-ed down on him.
= F E B R U A R Y =
I got even more depressed. Waiting for the government to approve our assistance takes such a long time. And I start to isolate myself. To get away from everything, i shut people off. I hated myself. I hated the situation that we are in. The situation where i'm not allowed to voice out or to talked to anyone, not even my grandparents about it. I started to grow distant. I questioned myself, what is happiness? Government finally approved our financial help but it's only 4-5 months, i think? After that we need to re-new again. I started to hate going back home because every-time i went back home, I feel even more depressed. The fact that there will be un-paid bills, the fact that we are not able to use the WIFI or even watch the TV or even use electricity. There's so much for me to think about at a very young age. Why? Because both of my parents are not healthy anymore. They're not in their 40s. They're in the 50s. Soon my father is going to be 60. And most probably when I get married (would never happen), he'll be in his 70s. Yes, my father is old.
= M A R C H =
The situation was okay but I wasn't. I feel exhausted, mentally. Even when i'm working, i'm not happy. I kept thinking about death. About ending my life. About ending everything. I started to self-harm. I started doing and planning out plans on how to end my life, about ropes, about pills, about jumping, you name it. I was already planning, how, the date, where, the letters. Everything. I kept this a secret. I started not to smile. I started to act that I'm okay when i'm not. I tried to be okay in-front of my parents but i'm not. I'm mad for the fact that i can't talk to my grandparents about this and there are times i feel like i want to explode but i couldn't. I kept everything in my chest and i felt pain. And i think, this is it. I'm done.
= A P R I L =
I was ready. I've set my mind. I've set the date. And this is where i decided to attempt. But, the first attempt, was un-successful. Why? Because I see my family, my grandparents, looking at me as i was standing at the rocks, wanting to jump into the sea. They were there, standing, looking at me, with their sad looks. So i stood back and decided not to. I went back home as per normal and acting out that everything was okay. So the next week, i decided to attempt again. This time, i said, i must do it. No more bargain. So again, i stood at the same spot, but i could not do it, again. Why? There's a police rounding around, so i decided not to because i do not want them to stop me and making a big fuss and etc, it's complicated but i just don't want them to see me. The third attempt, I told myself, fuck it. DO IT!. So i took lots of rocks, small and big ones, put into my pocket, hoping that once i jump, i would sink. I was nearly successful, when i felt like 2 hands pulled me back. Turns out that there's 2 man who were walking at the area where I wanted to end my life, they saw me standing at the edge and they ran to me. They were so strong, considering that they're able-bodied and they pulled me back and they tries to bring some sense into me. They asked me, "Why are you doing this? Why are you trying to end your life? Why? Don't end your life. Think about your family."
And then, i started to cry. I broke down into tears and i hold my body tighter. For once, i said, "I'm sorry. I'm so tired. I can't take it anymore." And they hugged me. They said, "It's okay. Talk to us, let everything out." And then, i started to spill out everything. From A to Z. And funny thing is, they called McDonalds delivery and we literally ate McDonalds at the beach itself. I told them, i am thankful for their time, i just want to be alone, but they refused to leave me. They said they're gonna stick with me until i want to go home. So we literally talked and ate until it was 8pm, i said i wanted to go home. So they book Grab for me because they just want me to reach home safely without me taking a bus fearing i would dropped off somewhere and end my life. So they got me an expensive Grab journey back home and i did and went back home.
= J A N U A R Y =
My father lost his job due to the company's fucked up situation. He wasn't the only one affected, his colleagues too. But sadly, for his case, that was the job that he can do because my father is disabled ever since 1987 due to a horrific car accident in Pahang, Malaysia. Most of his colleagues were able to get a job considering they're not disabled, but my father, his chances of getting a job is as low as 10%. I was devastated. The news came after my birthday, which is on 28th of January. I tried to be positive but i can't. I was just so sad. The only surviving person is me. My mother could not worked despite taking part-time job as a bus attendant because her condition is getting worst, hence she quits. We decided to get financial assistance from the government and the whole process becomes a cycle. My mother decided to keep this a secret from our family. A secret that my father lost his job, fearing that people would look-ed down on him.
= F E B R U A R Y =
I got even more depressed. Waiting for the government to approve our assistance takes such a long time. And I start to isolate myself. To get away from everything, i shut people off. I hated myself. I hated the situation that we are in. The situation where i'm not allowed to voice out or to talked to anyone, not even my grandparents about it. I started to grow distant. I questioned myself, what is happiness? Government finally approved our financial help but it's only 4-5 months, i think? After that we need to re-new again. I started to hate going back home because every-time i went back home, I feel even more depressed. The fact that there will be un-paid bills, the fact that we are not able to use the WIFI or even watch the TV or even use electricity. There's so much for me to think about at a very young age. Why? Because both of my parents are not healthy anymore. They're not in their 40s. They're in the 50s. Soon my father is going to be 60. And most probably when I get married (would never happen), he'll be in his 70s. Yes, my father is old.
= M A R C H =
The situation was okay but I wasn't. I feel exhausted, mentally. Even when i'm working, i'm not happy. I kept thinking about death. About ending my life. About ending everything. I started to self-harm. I started doing and planning out plans on how to end my life, about ropes, about pills, about jumping, you name it. I was already planning, how, the date, where, the letters. Everything. I kept this a secret. I started not to smile. I started to act that I'm okay when i'm not. I tried to be okay in-front of my parents but i'm not. I'm mad for the fact that i can't talk to my grandparents about this and there are times i feel like i want to explode but i couldn't. I kept everything in my chest and i felt pain. And i think, this is it. I'm done.
= A P R I L =
I was ready. I've set my mind. I've set the date. And this is where i decided to attempt. But, the first attempt, was un-successful. Why? Because I see my family, my grandparents, looking at me as i was standing at the rocks, wanting to jump into the sea. They were there, standing, looking at me, with their sad looks. So i stood back and decided not to. I went back home as per normal and acting out that everything was okay. So the next week, i decided to attempt again. This time, i said, i must do it. No more bargain. So again, i stood at the same spot, but i could not do it, again. Why? There's a police rounding around, so i decided not to because i do not want them to stop me and making a big fuss and etc, it's complicated but i just don't want them to see me. The third attempt, I told myself, fuck it. DO IT!. So i took lots of rocks, small and big ones, put into my pocket, hoping that once i jump, i would sink. I was nearly successful, when i felt like 2 hands pulled me back. Turns out that there's 2 man who were walking at the area where I wanted to end my life, they saw me standing at the edge and they ran to me. They were so strong, considering that they're able-bodied and they pulled me back and they tries to bring some sense into me. They asked me, "Why are you doing this? Why are you trying to end your life? Why? Don't end your life. Think about your family."
And then, i started to cry. I broke down into tears and i hold my body tighter. For once, i said, "I'm sorry. I'm so tired. I can't take it anymore." And they hugged me. They said, "It's okay. Talk to us, let everything out." And then, i started to spill out everything. From A to Z. And funny thing is, they called McDonalds delivery and we literally ate McDonalds at the beach itself. I told them, i am thankful for their time, i just want to be alone, but they refused to leave me. They said they're gonna stick with me until i want to go home. So we literally talked and ate until it was 8pm, i said i wanted to go home. So they book Grab for me because they just want me to reach home safely without me taking a bus fearing i would dropped off somewhere and end my life. So they got me an expensive Grab journey back home and i did and went back home.
And soon, this month is where i admitted myself. Admitted to IMH after 2 years of holding. I don't know if i should be happy or sad about it, but that's all for sure.
= M A Y =
I can't remember much during this month but all i know is that, my struggles is still there.
= J U N E =
- Can't remember. -
= J U L Y =
Gave up on life but still living.
= A U G U S T =
Went to my first solo trip to Krabi. it was okay, wanting to go back there again.
= S E P T E M B E R =
The month that made my parents and I were so depressed because our financial help has expired and we barely survived. We've even thought of ending our lifes.
= O C T O B E R =
Halloween month, not much of any struggles so i guess i'm okay.
= N O V E M B E R =
My mood gradually failed. I'm starting to feel fucked up. I'm not getting better. I barely survived.
= D E C E M B E R =
It's the last month and i'm not happy. Why? It's January. The most that got me badluck. From having an incident in the MRT to the current situation now. It's not getting better. My father is going to be 1 year of being jobless, where else, here i am trying to fucking breath. The updates? Allow me to die. It's fucking painful. Someone please get rid of her.
= Things I've lost this year =
- School. I can't continue because of lack of financial. So i dropout.
- Love. The love for everyone.
- Family. Family isn't like it used to be. No one gives their attention to you unless you die.
- Happiness.
- Smile
That's about my year in 2019.