fuck it
i guess this will be very fucking post. i just feel the need to rant considering that now i'm not feeling good. for the past few days, i have been feeling very low. and it's not about me having periods or such, nope. it's not. and i just found out how my dad view me for the very first time. i told my parents that i'm feeling extremely low and my dad, well, he believes that this happens because i lack of faith. wow. all this year i thought he's changed or his point of view is different, but turns out, no. haha. great. i was pissed. i was upset. well, technically, i should because all this while i thought he'd understand after my mom talked to him. but i guess, it doesn't. haha. great. and i guess december wasn't a good month either.
everyone seems to be happy and contented. my cousin went for her school trip on her birthday, that is a nice birthday gift. my family probably had a good time together, as for me, well, nothing changed. haha. i'm tired. too tired to even say or type about my situation. well fucked it. i don't even know what is happiness or family happiness. too much of feeling sad or depressed in my mind that i feel like exposing all of my organs and let creatures eat it. and lately, lots of artist passed away and 2 passed away due to health reasons whilst another 2 passed away due to suicides. and it angers me that well, they succeed in killing themselves whilst i'm here still living because people want me too. i do wanna lived, but probably because of my bucket list and also business that i have yet to settle. debts, promises.. all that has yet to be fulfilled. was i planning about my death? yes. do i want to die? no. then why? to end the fucking pain. no matter how many times i've talked about pain, people thought it was just a temporary kind of a pain. jeez. nope. you are fucking wrong. it's not.
it's painful. having to wake up with tears, having to wake up or be awake in the middle of the night because you felt something is not right. you felt like did i post anything wrong? did i post something embarrassing? and all that fucking thoughts. no to forget about the voices, the visions, the anxiety, the fear, the anger, the sadness. it's all build up. it's making me crazy and medication doesn't seems to help either. admission into a psychiatric hospital doesn't help either. it's not like the doctor would give me a "solution" to end the pain. the only fucking solution is to die. end your life. but that wasn't the solution to everything right? that is what people assume, LOL. i gave up on positivity. i gave with fake good words. be direct. hate me, say it. better than lying.
everyone seems to be happy and contented. my cousin went for her school trip on her birthday, that is a nice birthday gift. my family probably had a good time together, as for me, well, nothing changed. haha. i'm tired. too tired to even say or type about my situation. well fucked it. i don't even know what is happiness or family happiness. too much of feeling sad or depressed in my mind that i feel like exposing all of my organs and let creatures eat it. and lately, lots of artist passed away and 2 passed away due to health reasons whilst another 2 passed away due to suicides. and it angers me that well, they succeed in killing themselves whilst i'm here still living because people want me too. i do wanna lived, but probably because of my bucket list and also business that i have yet to settle. debts, promises.. all that has yet to be fulfilled. was i planning about my death? yes. do i want to die? no. then why? to end the fucking pain. no matter how many times i've talked about pain, people thought it was just a temporary kind of a pain. jeez. nope. you are fucking wrong. it's not.
it's painful. having to wake up with tears, having to wake up or be awake in the middle of the night because you felt something is not right. you felt like did i post anything wrong? did i post something embarrassing? and all that fucking thoughts. no to forget about the voices, the visions, the anxiety, the fear, the anger, the sadness. it's all build up. it's making me crazy and medication doesn't seems to help either. admission into a psychiatric hospital doesn't help either. it's not like the doctor would give me a "solution" to end the pain. the only fucking solution is to die. end your life. but that wasn't the solution to everything right? that is what people assume, LOL. i gave up on positivity. i gave with fake good words. be direct. hate me, say it. better than lying.