REAL TALK - life
i just want to have a talk about it here. it's 3am and i'm writing this down. i'm giving a warning as this will be triggering and i'm not here to triggered anyone. instead, i want to let people get a glimpse of my mind and how i feel. if you are easily triggered, please exit this post. for the past 6 years that i have suffered, majority of you know my conditions and i'm not ashamed of it. for the newcomers, let me tell you my diagnosis. i suffered from severe depression, social anxiety, panic disorder and insomnia. it all started back when i was 8 and officially diagnosed back when i was 13ish.
the daily struggle i face is having to wake-up in the middle of the night, facing horrible nightmares daily, being anxious in public hoping that i would be able to go home ; my safety shelter. i do not have a place where i could run to. i do not have a place where i could seek peace. i remembered vividly where i stayed in my home for 6 months without going out to now-where. i would only come out of the house if i were or had to go to the shop to get something. shops under my apartment or supermarket near my area. nothing more. i would avoid going to family events, be it weddings or outings. i hated going out. being at home is the best.
and the part i hate the most is where i would relapse. relapse is the worst. getting support from family and parents isn't the best. i had negative reactions. especially my dad. he's more to religion and believes that getting "cured" completely is thru religion. and i do not believe that. illness is illness. praying or result to religion doesn't make you get cured. and i truly understand where he is coming from but i'm against it. i've got to admit that i lose faith in religion or anything ; be it religion or not.
i feel much better when i'm in the darkness despite hoping that i would get saved. i've been into the dark for almost close to 6 years and even though it's horrible and scary, but it was okay. it understoods me the most. it accepts me. it gives me closure. it protects me. it comforts me. it gives me everything that i could ask for to a person. something that a person could not give me. it's bad and unhealthy but that's where i could seek. i've tried sorts of therapy and nothing works. well, except for talking one-to-one, that, works.
am i lonely? yes. do i want companionship? yes and no. having a companionship sounds great because you're living with someone you love and having him/her as your partner where you grow old together is just... great. it felt really nice because having someone to hear you, cuddle you, give you a hug and kisses. it's what everyone wish and hope for. but i guess i wouldn't have one. it's not because i despise relationship nor i hate to be in one. it's because that i don't have the confidence to take care of someone else when i can't take care of myself. and also, would he/she be able to accept someone who have suicidal thoughts 24/7? would he/she be able to accept someone who would scream or feel anxious everytime i have nightmares? would he/she be able to accept someone who feels discouraged and feeling negative all the time? i doubt so.
every human on earth wants someone that they can "accept" and take care off. i'll be hard to handle. i have a lot of mental breakdowns and even my parents could not take care of it, what about my future partner? he/she would be annoyed and probably leave me for good. hence, this is why i feel like i should and forever be alone. sad life but it's the truth.
how do i feel now about my life? i dom't know. i feel like i'm lost in a world where everything just stop working and i'm reviewing every part of it. it's like i'm viewing a tape. the world is dark, gloomy and.... sad. i'm in the middle of the sea, but the sea isn't like the type of the sea you would see in the TV. it's more of like a sea where i'm able to walk on it. huge waves around me and it's scary but yet, comforting. it doesn't harm me. it embraces me, protects me. i feel safe. in the waves, i could see my pain. the pain that i'm holding onto, drifts away. i feel pain but i'm numb. i'm tired. i'm exhausted. i could drown in the sea at any moment but i couldn't sink. no matter how many rocks i've put into my pockets but i'm still floating the middle. the funniest part? i could breathe. i wonder, am i dead?
it can't be right? if i'm dead, i won't breathe. but i'm breathing. the battles i'm having right now? i've lost. i gave up one trying to be okay when i'm not. do i surrender? yes. do i want to live? no. do i want to end my life? yes. any suicide plans? no. surprising isn't it? well, that's me. and i shall end my post here. goodnight everyone.