Bad Days

sometimes, the feelings of being helpless, is so fucked up. my mood changes constantly. from being depressed, to suicidal, to happy and back to being depressed. even happiness stays for like an hour or 3 and i'm back to being depressed. i would i say i'm feeling tired. tired of being depressed. tired of being tired. tired of being exhausted. it's fucking exhausting when your mood isn't constant. everyday i feel like shit. feeling like it's not even worth to live. i struggled breathing, almost everyday. i don't looked forward to waking up anymore. i don't even recognised myself. i'm too tired to even care about my appearance. i even lost count on days i did not brush my teeth (i do brush my teeth but there are times i feel like i didn't, my memory is bad.")

even waking up, sitting on the bed is so exhausting. making small efforts or making small movements took such a long time for me to even move. simple task such as waking up from the bed, going to the toilet. it's such a difficult task for me, despite it's being simple. it wasn't like this before. in the past, it was okay. but now, recently, it's mentally exhausting. i have no idea how many times i've said, "i'm so tired." or "i want to sleep, forever." or "i can't breathe."

even my parents seems to grow bored of me. why? because i kept saying the same shit again and again. they're tired. tired of having to deal with my bullshit. and for me, i don't even care anymore. i don't even care if others do not even care about me. i mean who doesn't right? people i care, people i love, they left me. they promised to stay by my side, but in the end, they left. they left. the promises they made, it was broken. and i don't have the energy to say "stay" because in the end, i'm left alone. 

i'm tired to beg, to ask, to plead, for people to stay, for people to not leave. yes, friends can be replace. family? i'm not sure. even if it's blood related, it's not like they can help you either. faith? i still have faith in my religion and my God. but at times, being this sick, it doesn't relate to religion. so what's the point, right? 

i'm tired at the moment. typing this feels like years.