Inside My Head ðŸ§
I just want to share my thoughts for today. There's so much things that is going on in my head and I just feel like I should share. My blog has been a safe space for me to vent whenever I want to. Yes, I know, my blog can be very triggering since it contains mental health issues, suicides, dark thoughts. You name it. My blog could probably be banned or sorts in the future but I don't give a shit.
My feelings matter. For 6 years. 6 years. I have been in this state where I'm blaming myself for being a destructive human being. I don't give positive vibes. I'm a bad luck. Everyone that I'm closed with, left me within 3 months. Cut off contacts and ties. I do wonder, what did I do wrong? Y'know? I've asked myself, why do people left? is it because i'm not me?. Ridiculous right?
I can't cry. When I cry, I was blamed for being crybaby or cry. I cry is not because I'm wanted too. When you're feeling hurt, hopeless, helpless, what'd you do? Cry, right? Okay, some may disagree because majority of you might have a different method. Some may go for smoking, drinking or drugs or sex. The list could go on. But for me, crying and self-harming is my ways of coping. I don't like to rely on others or find someone to even hear my rants. Having a psychologist and my psychiatrist is more than enough. I can't stress enough how many people came to me and said that, "Hey, this option is good for you." or "This is a good treatment, you should try. Blah Blah Blah.".
Surprising enough, I don't crave for companionship though I admit that sometimes I wanna feel loved or needed but fuck that. Relationship hurts. I like spending time alone and be alone. Why? Because anything I'd do, anything I'd want, nobody can stop me. Like dude, I can decide for myself. Like legit for myself. Where I wanna go, travel? Here and there? I can do by myself. I can do this and that. There's no need for people to decide for me.
I've had my bucket list ready, so the only thing for me to get it done is when. The bucket list need a lot of money and for that to happen, I'd starve. I'd starve for the sake of having that huge amount of money so that I'm able to make my bucket list comes true.
As for my mental health, I can't lie that it got worst. It's still in the worst state. It took a toll on my health especially. I grew even more tired, exhausted and doing simple stuffs is becoming a problem. My back hurts. My head hurts. My shoulder hurts. My chest, it's hurt but I felt numb. Running or even walking in a short distance, feels like eternity. Waking up with puffy eyes, not because of crying. Sometimes it's because of more sleeping hours due to sleeping pills as I'm a type of person that finds it extremely hard to fall asleep. And there'll be days where I can't sleep at all despite taking medications + sleeping pills. I would be just awake for the whole day. And there'll be days that I'm awake for days without feeling tired and there'll be days when you can see me being like a zombie.
The fact that I'm facing this at an early stage at my age, scares me. The fact that I'll be living the rest of my life like this and not being able to get cured completely and the fact that recovery process is just mind-blowing. You'd say that I have given it up. I've tried tons of medications. You named it. And because of it, I have a short-term-memory loss. I couldn't remember small details or anything that is important. Why? I took a lot of medications from various drugs category. It took a toll on my brain and because of this short-term-memory loss, I'm afraid. I was so afraid to the point that I used every other means to remember important things. Debt, bills, appointments. I've got to jot it down on a notebook. How much debt I have left? How much the bills is? How many appointments?
Relationship wise? Not anymore. I used to crave or want to have a partner and be in a relationship but after 3 weeks of being so down lately, relationship isn't important for me now. Why? How am I supposed to care for my partner when I can't care for myself? The fact that I'm struggling to love myself and accept myself ; it probably took years. I have an extreme low confidence and self-esteem. I've always compared myself with others. That their lives is much better than. I'm not saying that their lives is better in a sense of happy living. No. It just that there's a lot of differences. They've got friends. They could go out without feeling vulnerable. They could go out without feeling the pressure of being you.
There's so much worries. I can't continue my education despite going to school for FREE and the fact that I'm unable to do my exams or furthur my studies because there's so many obstacles. Money, health, mental health. Each of every obstacles would involved with 3 things, which is that. Career wise? I don't have a career. I want to pursue things I've loved but I have to put it on halt. There's so many things that I want to improve. There's so many things that I want to accomplish. I want to complete my education. I want to have a career. I want to lead a happy life. But no. I can't.
Can't complete my education, because money is involved. Can't have a career, because education isn't there. Can't lead a happy life, because everything isn't stable.
What more?