Triggered

I just feel like posting today. And the fact that I hadn't post anything for the past few weeks shows how unproductive I am. I've been feeling down lately and this isolation thingy doesn't give any justice. And as someone who suffers from an extreme anxiety, this kind of isolation is giving me creeps. So on the 23rd of May, my father made a call to his sister and they kind of communicate. And when he's done, he said something to my mom and I which triggered me the most. It kinda gives me this sad fucking feeling, something that I wished to forget but instead it made it much more worst. 

If you have been following me quite lately, you knew that I have a very estranged relationship with my father's side. Why? Well long story short, they've been abusing my mother and I verbally. Not physically. The fact that we were treated more like a puppet, we endured multiple humiliation and the fact that for the past 19 years, I don't feel the loved from them. All of my cousins (father's side) get the love, kind treatment but for me? Jeez, ever since I was born, I was treated like some kind of a trash. I felt like I wasn't part of the family and despite that I tried to do everything I could so that I would feel "welcomed" but I got the opposite. 

It was a day before Raya when my father mention it. And I had a terrible meltdown. I was so fucking sad and unhappy and triggered at the same time because his family was part of the issue as to why I'm depressed, so fucking depressed that I feel like it should be just done. What triggered me is that this. 

"She said to call your grandmother. She said that both of you did not call, ask abut her and she misses you, especially you, K (my full name but I shall put it as K instead). And she said that we should like right now because it might be the last time that she's gonna be alive. So call her, talk to her."

I hate it. It triggers me. For the past 19 years, how the fuck she'd missed me? Why must be me? Why me? To put up will all their shit and now finally you said that you missed me? *scoffs*.

She's just a fucking liar. She never missed me. The fact that whenever I talk to her face to face or even phone call which being forced my father, she didn't said she loved me or missed me. Instead she just talk, humiliate me even more. I cried. I cried, so bad. And when I told the adults, yes, the fucking adults, they said that they love me.  His family loved me. The reason why they behave like that is because they love me. Oh really? What kind of family shows love by humiliate someone on the phone, face to face and infront of the whole family? Who does that? Who?! 

Love is about showing and saying how much you love that person and how much important you are to them. Not humiliate, insult and hurt someone's feeling. They did a lot to me. Verbally. And since young, since young. Since I Was Fucking Young. I have to endure such behaviour, such insult, such humiliation. All I ask was for someone to show me love. All I ask from them is that, for once, for once, show me that you loved me. Show me that I'm part of the family, not putting me on the edge where I have to fought with myself and fought with my denial and kept saying that it's normal when it isn't!

And it's not normal for me now. It's not normal to have such family. A family that hurt me. A family that hurt my mom. A family that hurt my dad. But the most, is me. And I'm ashamed. So much that I have THEIR BLOOD and DNA flowing in my body. I hate for the fact that I have their existence in my body. 

I am ashamed. 

I am mad.

I am pissed.

I am hurt.

I am disappointed. 

To have a family that act like they're the innocent and doesn't have a sin at all.

To have a family that believes that they'll enter the Paradise in the Afterlife.

To have a family that thinks that they're right and other people are wrong. 

To have a family that treats you like an outsider and make you listen and do whatever they want and ordered. 

And I can't believe that I called them a family still when they're my worst nightmare. And to make this clear for all. I do not have a family. A family like them. And they've ceased from existence in my life. To others, they're family and alive. But to me, they're dead. Dead the moment they hurt me so much that it causes me to break and fall apart. 

They're dead. 

His mother, his 3 brothers and 2 sisters...and the rest of their kids and so forth, to me, you're dead. You're not a family. I'm disowning you all from me. You're dead and no longer a family to me. Ever since you hurt me, that's where you're gone. Gone from my life. And I don't regret any shit. And I won't forgive what you have done to me. To my mom. To my dad. 

I'll never forget. Ever.