I hate my body.

This has been bothering me for quite a while. Back then, I was skinny girl. I didn't have that insecurity of my body. I was happy. I was proud. But after knowing that I was diagnosed with MDD, SAD, Anxiety, Panic Disorder, Insomnia and Personality Disorder, my whole world crumbles. I was not happy.

I took medication because I need help with controlling my emotions but it cause a benefit that I hated so much. That is huge appetite. After I consumed my medication, I started to gain weight. I look huge. I couldn't fit into my old clothes. Clothes that I spend over $70 at H&M, Esprit and online. They don't fit me anymore. I stare at myself. I see excess body fats. My tummy isn't flat anymore. Instead it has belly fat. My thigh? It's not small. It's huge. My shoulder, it's huge. Everything is huge. Everything changes. And for the fact that I could fit into smaller places anymore like how I used to before.

I find it extremely hard to get up once I sat on the floor. Back then, it was so easy. At first, I had this thought that it was normal. But as every visit to the doctor, I take my weight, I look at it rises every visit. From 60kg to 70kg and so forth. And the fact that right now I'm at my heaviest, 104kg. Just seeing these 3 numbers, it scares me so much.

Doctor and everyone said that it's normal. It's fine. But my BMI said I was overweight. With my height and my age, I should be in between 55kg-75kg. And I exceeded it. I'm distraught. I hated my body. I hated to see myself in pictures. Because I look huge. I look at everyone else, even though their body is smaller or bigger than mine, I find it alright. It's pretty for them. But when I look at myself, I hated it to the core. 

I hated going out where everyone could see how I look. That I look different. Colleagues from workplace noted that I look different. I was skinny back then and now I look huge. And it bothers me so much that I find food, it's a curse. And even though I still ate, in my mind and my body, I told myself, don't. Don't eat. Starve. Be skinny. 

And no, I wasn't influenced by artists or models. I find all of my body flaws, seemingly ugly. Disgusting.