Relapse? Maybe?
It's been a while. After my last few post, I hit ta total relapse. My mood is gradually decreasing and I'm trying my best to stay optimistic, doing whatever I can just to stay afloat? I don't mind going back and be there again because that's like my second home but I don't feel like I should, right now. I just want to be in bed and yes, right now, I'm in bed, laying down, typing this while having a family vlog video that is up as a background even though I don't want it? My phone is charging hence I spend my other time on laptop. Sucks, I know. I wish this had Netflix but even if I do, I don't watch it that much. Just pay $22 for the subscription because Mom wants to watch since Viu app sucks. No offense. LMAO.
Weird thing but I had always the same dream. A dream, like those from apocalypse. Just me alive, trying to survive to only get caught by the bad guys or bad zombies or whatever, not get killed but got married to the leader, treated like a Queen and have so much love from the partner and blah blah blah. Sounds like those dreams from a fairy-tale and even when I woke up from the dream, I cringe at myself! Like legit, people. Not feeling disgusted or anything but me? Got married? Hell no. I'm not sure if you recall that I don't wish or want to get married because how the fuck am I supposed to get married when I can't even take care of myself? To get married is like you need to have those commitments where you need to care, loved and be there for your other half. I can be there for my future partner and care for him/her but I doubt I could do like love. It's not that I couldn't love or anything but it's just that how am I supposed to love when I don't love, accept and care for myself? If I can't do that to myself, it shows that I can't do that either to my future half.
Also, random thought, I miss P. So much. P is like my other version in the other side of the world but sadly P died, 2 years back and I miss P. Reading and knowing P and talking to P all day, it made me smile but now? I just talked to P everyday and there won't be a response. Not at all.
Anyways, I'm going. Just wanna lie down and close my eyes, See you soon.
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