A story about being Bullied

A story about how i was bullied for 7 years. From primary school to secondary school. I went to Marsiling Primary School where I studied there for 3 years before I switched to a different primary school, Griffiths Primary School (but now it's Angsana Primary School because it was combined with another school ; which is fucking sucks because I loved the name of Griffiths rather than Angsana), because I had to lived with my uncle whom I hated so much because he's the source of my unhappiness ; long story but you can check my blog post to find out why. 

When I was at Marsiling, I had an okay childhood. When I was Primary 1, that's where the unhappiness started. I wasn't bullied as of yet but lot of sad things happened. My dad had an affair with my classmate's mother and they were caught by the mother's husband. Back then I lived in JB because our situation, financially broke, so I stayed at my granddad's house which he bought for my mom, my uncle (my mom's younger brother). So when they got caught, we went to her house which is also located in JB. I remembered clearly that it was the day that my dad had to pick me up from school but he didn't. 

The principal called me because they said that my dad is late. So I saw all of my classmates and everyone goes back home except me. And me, being the only person in school and I was only 7, I was so scared. I thought my parents left me for real. I saw my mom rushed from work as she took a cab.I was confused. I remembered how we took a taxi, we went back home and then we went out. I have no idea where we go and I asked my mom, where is my dad. My mom kept quiet throughout the whole journey. I remembered how mad she was. They fought, with the bitch who ruined my mom's life, the parents. I cried. I don't understand why she was mad. All I could remember is how I see that bitch sat on the stairs looking down as my mom vented her anger. My dad didn't do anything. He kept quiet and he kept repeating that I am crying but she didn't stop. She kept arguing to the point that I close my ears with my hand, hoping it would stop. 

We went back home and my mom didn't spoke to my dad for weeks. I was tired, tired of seeing all of that but I didn't knew that my dad had an affair, so I thought it was just a fight about something regarding about money. But I didn't knew it was so serious. 

Being in primary 2, it doesn't goes that bad. I mean I can't recall any bad memories while I was in primary 2. But being in Primary 3, that's where I hated the most. I got bullied so bad to the point that they cut my PE shirt at the back and I remembered that I had to tell my parents that it was because I fell so it was torn. My pocket money was stolen. I couldn't ate during lunch time because I got no money. I had to eat what the cleaners gave to me. They saw me not having lunch so they bought for me. I was thankful, that I had someone who is so kind and generous. I wish I remembered your names. I'm thankful. 

I didn't have any memories in Primary 4 because I moved school. And that's where my nightmare started. The moment I moved to my new primary school, it was tough to make friends because you know, being a new student in a new environment is like being in an exam studio. I made friends for few weeks until the bullying started. I don't know if I should define this as bullying but as days went by, I was treated like a piece of paper. Sometimes, I wonder what I did wrong? There are times that my friends are okay with me and there are times it didn't. All of a sudden this week, they're okay and after that, I was ignored the next week. I was left without friends and immediately I knew that my luck in new school differs. It's like playing a luck machine. A week with friends and then 2-3 weeks without.

It goes on like this till Primary 6, but being in Primary 6 isn't that serious as when I was in Primary 4 and 5. After completing my PSLE, I left that school. When I left, I felt this sad and heartbreaking. Despite all that bullying, I survived. I told myself that I survived such ordeal. 

And then I move to secondary school. I studied in Springfield up till Sec 2. When I was in Sec 1, I thought that being in a new school, I was okay. I made new friends and I thought that my life is getting better. But I was wrong. In the midst of everything, things changed. The bullying started. The same kind of treatment I've got when I was in primary school, but this time, it's worst. But then, I became optimistic. I told myself that it's normal. Everyone faces the same shit but I was wrong. My mentality started getting worsen. My anxiety started. I felt so stressed and extremely bothered to the point that in my mind, it's always about avoiding school and everyone. 

And then in that same year, I had an anxiety attack in school and I was sent to the hospital where they diagnosed me with depression and anxiety. It was just seeing a psychologist and I thought that, that would help me. No. It started getting even more worst to the point that I frequently gets anxiety attack and insomnia. I was then referred to see psychiatrist and my condition worsen. Fast forward to secondary 2, I started to skip school. I refused to go to school and I often cried when I thought about it. And then, I made the decision. Fuck this. I want to stop schooling and I did. I have to see a counseller, MOE counseller and such as to why I wanted to leave school despite my grades being okay. I refused to say that I was bullied. I kept quiet and I just refused. 

And when I left school, I stayed at home for 6 months, without going anywhere, be it family events, family wedding or anything. I just stayed at home which has become my comfort zone. And from there, I soon believed that my life was unlucky. I wondered why do I get bullied? Why kids have to go through this? Why kids get bullied? What did I do wrong? What did they do wrong?

To add on to the misery, my dad's side becoming even more presistent. To verbally abuse my mom and I, forcing us to do things to satisfy their needs. It's fucked up and hell to me. And to add on that my dad left his job without any notice or any reason to tell us why, he just left, putting us in a terrible financial situation. I was so depressed to the point that suicide becomes a subject for me. I wanted to end my life so bad that I nearly attempted once. 

Multiple admissions to IMH and it was okay. I started to improve and my last admission was when I'm 16 and I didn't went back for a year until I was 18. That's where my relapse started, I attempted suicide, not once but thrice. You can see the post about it in my last year archive. Why and what happened? It's because I skip my medications because I thought I could control it and also thinking that the medication didn't worked for me. And knowing that my dad was out of job last year because the company doesn't need any employees to work anymore since they'll convert the carpark machine to auto. I was depressed because my dad was the sole breadwinner whilst I work for my own needs. But it's gone. All gone, in just one snap. And because of that, I attempted. My first admission after a year of not coming back. And from there till now as I'm typing this, I've never step into IMH after my last admission last year. 

But recently, I've never felt good. I had insomnia, worst of it, actually. 15 days (including today, as I'm typing this) of not sleeping well (6 days of being awake throughout the whole night ; to only get 2-3hrs of sleep. 9 days of being awake and slept at 3am.) I took sleeping pills because I couldn't slept. I took one but it didn't work so the next day, I took 2. And it didn't work. 

What should I do? I have no idea. I've barely survived this insomnia for 15 days and if this continues, I might need to go back and get myself checked again and see how. And possibility that I'll be admitted again and worst case scenario, spending days inside ; which sucks but I don't know man, suicide thoughts? Still had them.