What is Happiness?
everyday, i always wondered, what is happiness?
everyday. i see smiles around me despite their stresses in life. i wondered what is their secret to happiness? is it because of money? is it because of more love given? is it because they were born into a perfect family? is it because they know how to communicate? is it because they brushed off their worries? i have no absolute idea. everyday is a nightmare. i often have to comfort myself just sob that i could smile infront of my parents despite having tons of anxieties and worries over shits that may or may not happened. back then, back in those ancient times, i wondered why they do not have depression? anxiety? insomnia? is it because they do not know technology and even diagnosis wasn't better or focus or paid more attention. it's like a topic that goes into the right ear and left thru the left ear.
i see the people around me. i see slight happiness in their life. and even though there's stresses or worries, it seems like a no big deal. for me, small stresses, worries gave me so much anxiety that i couldn't even focus on my life at all. there's no normal in life for me. i was unemployed for nearly a year, thanks to Covid. my dad? is the same story. i wouldn't want to repeat the same thing all over again. same goes for my mother. it's the same thing all over again. just that, i'm the only changes.
send and applied tons of jobs i could find and majority is rejected except for one job which i went for the interview yesterday and hoping that i could get a reply within 2 weeks. about my current job? it's pointless. my name is there but i received no job at all. the reason? having too many manpower doesn't bring any sales to the company.
majority company and big business have been shutdown for the lack of sales because of Covid. unexpected circumstances which we can't see unless you are a God, of course. a lot of people loses their job and i wouldn't be the only one. it's unfair actually. if you're someone who is supporting the whole family and you loses your job, you are technically bringing the whole family down. as i'm typing this, i'm crying as much as i could and my eyes? they're fucking swollen. too much tears = no happiness. i can't bring back the dead even if i wanted too. the only way for me to express my feelings or even rant is just here. my only blog. i can't even monetize my blog because it doesn't fit the requirements of "monetizing" your blog shit. i wouldn't force people to donate to me because i mean, who the fuck wanna donate to a blog that doesn't spread positivity? this blog becomes my diary, apart from my journal which contains more fucking shit. i spend years trying to fight my demon, but guess what? i wasn't healing. i know my body and i know my mental being so bad that i don't even care at all if i were to have relapses. i mean, what's the point of having to go to the hospital when they can't even lift up my depression, anxiety, insomnia and panic disorder?
sometimes i wish i could just gulped down a litre of detergent and just die right there, but then, i can't. why? i have things to finished and i don't wish to go as unfinished spirit. i rather want to go in peace, though i know i won't go in peace for i commit a crime/sin towards God for hurting myself and killing myself, ended my own life when i wasn't supposed too. so technically, when i go, i suffer 3x of it. shocking truth right? am i mad at God? yes. but what can i do? all religion is the same. when things goes wrong, there are times we are mad at God for ruining our lives and don't even fucking deny it. it's human nature. everyone goes thru it. fucking admit that.
conclusion, what is happiness? it's nothing. so don't seek for it for that you'll ended up with false hope. periodt.