It's Been A While.....

These past few months since the last update of my last post, I went through a different sets of pain, loss, anxiety and confusion. So many things that occurs to me in a sense where I lose some of people close to me because of my selfishness? Or is it because of what I've been through that it made me become someone that I didn't expect to become. People that I used to be close with; are now my enemy. People that I'm not used to be close with are now my friends. But still, it made me wonder, does depression makes you feel this way? Does depression makes you behave in a way that you and others did not expect? 

There's so many changes in my behavior that I've noticed and it bothers me that it affects the lives of people closed to me, my lives. I don't know how to explain why or even say about this because not everyone will understand. This illness makes it hard for everyone to believe and even bother about it. There are days where I feel proud of where I came from and there are days where I feel so fucking horrible. It took like a lot of my lives where I doubted my existence. I lost a lot. A lot. 

From the position I'm in right now, I couldn't blindly say that I am proud. I'm not. I feared for the position I'm in, being taken away. I feared for the position I'm in, will no longer be mine. There's so much fear when I'm in that position because I know that there's eyes everywhere and not all is happy or proud for the fact that I have grown or being upper than them. I just want to be treated the same. I feel a sense of regret when I chose the position but at the same time, I needed it because it's my source of only income and it's the only way that could supported me in my problems, my life and my finances. 

Honestly, if I were to be born in another realm, I do not wish to go through this again because I've lost a lot and I can't bear to lose more. I do not wish the same for my parents. It's not the lives that we chose. It's not the lives that we wanted. 

I'm fighting. I still am. I hope I did not crumble, because...... I'm tired.