Afraid of Trying Something New
Yes.... I'm afraid of trying something new.
How I wish I have the confidence to try something new and not afraid of doing something that scares me every time? I want for once, try something new like new job or new career but the pressure and the stares I'd get scares me. I feel like I'm being cornered with no help and I'm all alone fighting to survive in this toxic working industry. And when I mentioned about toxic work industry, it meant the whole working industry. From retails to offices to food and beverages to modelling and acting. I refused to work in retail again is because of the experience I had working in M&S and that's my final blow. I've also refused working in F&B because I've worked at many and I'm tired of working in F&B. That's just plain no. I can never tried modelling because well, the job scope isn't that interesting considering that you need to be in certain sizes, actually they have their desired amount of shape to be. Like you need to be damn skinny to be a model because you're carrying the brand's name and they want to upsell their brand using you as the model and I can never fit that criteria considering the size I'm in. Acting? I don't have that bloody confidence.
Like I can't act in front of more than 20 people in a scene and having to not fucked up your lines and to have that great chemistry with your co-star is just plain pressure. I can't. You see, this is the problem of mine. I do not have confidence. I find trying new things pain in the ass but then I know I can never move forward if I don't try but I can't try. It scares me when I have to think about all this. The only new thing that I'm confident is just being behind this screen and do some typing or probably write a novel? But I doubt that would happen because in order to write a novel, you need to find a good publisher, you need to invest some shits in order to have your novel up on sale. And if I were to be given an opportunity, I want to sell my book worldwide, having it translated to many languages. But of course, I need to invest and do some research to be able to do that.
The fact that I came from a not-so-good income family, it's hard to get this started. I think being behind the screen and do some writing gives me confidence because no one can stare at my when I do my job. Being a writer also allows me to communicate through emails and messages, doesn't requires me to be on the phone call except to communicate with publisher or editor. I want to write the genre I wanted. But it'll be a little controversial and probably could get me sued by governments, haha.
I think the only job that I'm confident so far to try is be a writer and wrote a novel. It's the only job that I find it comfortable and suitable for me.
The only thing that I'm not afraid to try.